


behind closed doors

by starrywrite



Series: a soft epilogue [1]
Category: On My Block (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Male Character, Bittersweet, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Love Confessions, M/M, Secret Relationship, Slice of Life, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23279632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: “We keep behind closed doorsEvery time I see you, I die a little moreStolen moments that we steal as the curtain fallsIt'll never be enough”- Little Mix, ‘Secret Love Song’
Relationships: Cesar Diaz/Ruby Martinez
Series: a soft epilogue [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1777642
Comments: 16
Kudos: 85





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sleepwithoutdreaming](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepwithoutdreaming/gifts).



> surprise for my ride or die, tia <3
> 
> this is canon divergence, so some things from the series have been changed to fit my narrative! and each chapter is going to take place over each season of the show.

“.357!”

They scatter like the broken glass remains of a bottle hitting concrete, two going one way, two going the other. It wasn’t intentional, him and Ruby going off together - but why shouldn’t he make the most of an unplanned moment together? 

Cesar grabs his hand when they’re far enough away from Monse and Jamal. Smiles when Ruby asks with a laugh, “What are you doing?” as he tugs him into someone’s backyard, pushes him up against their fence and kisses him. Smiles even more when Ruby melts in his embrace, his arms wrapping around the taller boy’s waist and tugging him in close, their bodies pressed together; they fit against each other perfectly. 

Ruby pulls away, murmurs, “We’ve got to go,” against his lips but goes right back to kissing him in the same breath. 

“I know,” Cesar replies. He’s the one who breaks their kiss this time, sweetly nudges his nose against Ruby’s. He can’t stop smiling. “Want to come over my place later?” There are a few perks to Oscar being gone and his primos hardly paying him any attention on a good day. 

“Okay,” Ruby sounds breathless. Even in the dark, Cesar can tell his cheeks are flushed from the two of them making out like two horny teenagers in a real relationship. They’re not, in a real relationship. They’re just having fun. 

A lot of fun.

* * *

Angel tells him the news after he leaves Ruby’s place. Oscar’s coming home before the end of the summer. Cesar doesn’t know if he’s more surprised by Oscar getting out early on good behavior or the fact that Angel was sober enough to remember to tell him. 

The news throws him off so much that he forgets Ruby is coming by until he’s knocking on his window. Cesar practically jumps out of his skin when he hears his knuckles rap against the glass but quickly lets him inside, hoping that Ruby will just overlook it and prioritize what he came over for.

“You okay?” No such luck. He should’ve known better; Ruby is always a best friend first. “You look a little stressed.” Cesar shrugs. He knows he should be honest -- tell that Oscar is coming home, that he’s freaking out about it just a bit for far too many reasons that he doesn’t know where to begin -- but he grabs Ruby’s hands and pulls him in close instead. “C -” Cesar cuts him off and kisses him. Pulls him into his lap and when Ruby wraps his legs around his waist, Cesar allows himself to relax, sighing against Ruby’s mouth and letting his hands roam up the inside of his shirt, his blunt nails gliding over his back. Ruby bites his bottom lip and tugs on it, gentle, but it still makes Cesar go boneless and he lies back on his bed, Ruby comfortably on top of him. 

He loses track of time when they’re like this, forgets who he is and forgets about everything right or wrong in his world. Ruby consumes him that way but it’s always just what he needs. 

Ruby gets handsy when they’re like this. He holds Cesar’s face, runs his fingers through his hair, grabs his hips and his ass. And Cesar falls apart in his hands each and every time, quietly despite Ruby always trying to coax some sound out of him. But Cesar really is the clingy one. They can spend a whole day together and it’s never enough time.

“I should get going,” Ruby finally whispers against his mouth. They’re both breathless, lips swollen and faces read, chest heaving against one another. 

“Wait,” Cesar says softly when Ruby actually sits up to go. He swallows, then once more, before he can get himself to say, “Don’t go yet. Please?” 

He can see the confusion in Ruby’s eyes but he just gets right back into Cesar’s bed and wraps his arms around him, pulling Cesar in until he’s close enough to bury his face in Ruby’s neck. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong; he just holds him. Cesar is thankful for that, for him

In a way, this sort of feels like the end of something. Because Oscar will be home soon and the Santos are going to swarm to his front yard like flies to shit; Cesar will _be_ a Santo now and it won’t be safe for his friends to be in his life anymore. 

As Ruby holds him, Cesar feels his eyes burn with unshed tears, not unlike they would if this were a real relationship and the two of them were breaking up. They’re not, in a real relationship. They’re just having fun. At least they _were_.

* * *

Monse fixes everything, of course she does. She’s the real glue of their crew but be that as it may, she can’t fix him and Ruby. That's on him. 

He waits a few days, tells himself that he doesn’t want to rock the boat when they’re all still adjusting to high school life; really, he just wants to see if Ruby is going to make any moves first. It becomes very clear very fast that the ball is in his court and he needs to make some plays.

Ironically enough, Ruby’s in gym class when he finds him.

He grabbed a bathroom pass and started doing laps around the building, not knowing where Ruby was but determined to find him. And he can’t help but to exhale a sigh of relief when he does. Ruby looks really cute in his gym uniform.

It takes a few tries before he’s able to flag Ruby down, but when he does and he finally starts towards him, Cesar’s heart pounds hard and fast. He’s used to his heart racing whenever he’s with Ruby but usually it’s when they’re in the middle of kissing. It doesn’t usually happen just from seeing him. Cesar chalks it up to just being nervous; what if Ruby tells him to fuck off? What if he’s only back to being friends with him because Monse fixed everything? What if -

“What?” Ruby’s voice cuts into his thoughts. There’s no malice in his tone but a hint of impatience. Cesar’s stomach hurts. He really fucked up. 

“I’m sorry,” he says because even though he thought long and hard about everything he wanted to say to Ruby, none of that feels as important as an apology. “I know Monse cleared everything up but you still need to hear it from me. I’m really, really sorry Ruby. I was a dick.”

“You were a dick,” Ruby tells him, arms crossed but he doesn’t seem upset with him. More guarded than anything. There’s a silence between them that Cesar doesn’t know how to read until Ruby finally speaks up. “Why Monse?” he asks the million dollar question. Ruby’s voice is soft when he asks it, almost hesitant, looks like he wants to take it back as soon as the words leave his mouth. But he doesn’t; he looks at Cesar expectantly instead.

Cesar’s stomach drops. He knows he’s blushing. “I -” he starts, loses his voice and his nerve in the same breath. “Oscar and the guys,” he finally starts. “They saw my phone lockscreen. It’s a picture of the four of us but it cropped weird so it was mostly you and I, and I just never got around to changing it.” He knows damn well why he never changed it but Ruby doesn’t need to know that. “They started busting my balls about it, asking if you were my boyfriend.” Ruby’s face flushes and Cesar pretends not to notice. “I panicked so I claimed Monse just to shut them up, and to keep them from bothering you.”

Ruby lets out a breath. “You thought they’d bother me?” he asks, curious. Maybe ‘bother’ wasn’t the right word but Cesar doesn’t want to scare him.

“Nothing’s off the table with these guys,” he says with a shrug, hoping that he can get his message across. He doesn’t miss the subtle way Ruby’s eyes widen. Cesar just nods grimly. “That’s why I didn’t want you and Jamal and Monse hanging around my house anymore. It’s not going to be like when Oscar was gone and it was just a few guys lingering around, drinking lean and pretending to give a shit about me.”

“You could’ve just told us that,” Ruby insists.

Cesar scoffs, he can’t help it. “Like that would’ve kept you away,” he replies. Ruby’s sheepish silence is his giveaway. “I knew I had to play hard ball in order to protect you guys. It just so happened that shit with my phone happened so I used that to pick a fight with you and Jamal so you wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore. And I knew you guys would tell Monse and she would hate me, but you guys would be safe from everything.” He shrugs again. “I never said it was a good plan.”

“It was a shitty plan.” Ruby says right away. “And it obviously backfired because none of us are going anywhere, _compa_.” He hesitates then says softly, “ _I’m_ not going anywhere.”

“I know,” he says quietly. Cesar tells himself that it doesn’t mean anything, repeats it over and over to himself until he believes it. He jokingly says, “I had a feeling I was pretty good in bed.”

“Dick!” Ruby says, but he’s fighting a smile.

Cesar grins. “I’ll make it up to you,” he says again.

“How?”

“Dick.”

Ruby laughs, loud and hard, brings his palm up to his lips to try and silence himself. Cesar’s face feels hot, not entirely sure if he was kidding or not. Then Ruby smirks, reaches for his hand. “You know,” he says as he casually laces their fingers together. Cesar’s heart beats so loud he almost can’t hear him. “I _finally_ have my own room now.”

* * *

Ruby doesn’t have his own room, but it actually ends up being a blessing in disguise that they have to make due in ways they’ve always had. Sneaking around is just as fun as making out is. There’s a thrill in almost getting caught, in thinking someone could walk in on them, that ignites a fire under his skin. Cesar gets a little more daring, encouraging Ruby to find him in empty classrooms during school (“ _This_ is why you have an A- in Computer Science,” Ruby teases him but he still finds him every time). 

They both start getting a little bolder, a little braver. Ruby toys with the hem of Cesar’s shirt while they kiss, gently tugging on it has become his way of asking if he can take it off. Cesar’s hands have found themselves inside of Ruby’s pants on a few occasions, usually after he murmurs “ _Papi chulo_ ,” in Ruby’s ear. They’re careful, always asking permission before doing something new and gentle with each other considering neither of them have no idea what they’re doing. They’re figuring things out together and it’s nice. Even though they’re just fooling around, Cesar likes that he gets to do it with Ruby. He doesn’t want to do it with anyone else. Doesn’t think about what that means.

Sometimes Cesar wonders if Ruby’s ever considering doing _this_ with someone else. He doesn’t think about what it means when a sour feeling settles in the pit of his stomach at the thought. 

Their first school dance is coming up. He doesn’t think about what it means that he wants to go with Ruby.

* * *

Ruby traces the patches of vitiligo on Cesar’s back, the soft touch of his fingertips lulling Cesar into a state of absolute relaxation, he could fall asleep like this. He could spend every day like this. And it terrifies him. “You know,” his voice is low, soft. “When you said you wanted to touch me, I didn’t think this is what you meant.”

Ruby chuckles. “Shut up.” Halloween was a success. They ended up with more candy than they knew what to do with. Jamal fell into a sugar induced coma halfway into ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ and Olivia went to Monse’s house for a sleepover. They aren’t alone, per say, but it’s as close as it’s going to get for them. 

It’s been harder lately, seeing each other. Cesar has been slowly getting more and more consumed into the Santos lifestyle, Oscar’s demands having to come first and his wants always getting postponed. Ruby’s started hanging out with Olivia more, says it’s because they live together and they’re basically family. Cesar tries not to let it bother him, doesn’t like that it bothers him in the first place. Like Ruby is _his_ or something, like he has a right to be… whatever it is he is.

(Jealous. He’s jealous and he refuses to admit it, especially to himself.) 

“I can’t believe you weren’t wearing anything under that damn toga.” Ruby’s voice brings him out of his head and back to reality. 

He snorts. “It’s hot out!” he insists. He wonders if Ruby can hear the smile in his voice. He hesitates before softly saying, “I liked your costume. You - you looked good.”

Ruby’s hand stills for a second, just a second, but it’s long enough that Cesar’s heart rate picks up and he considers taking it back. He keeps forgetting that their thing is just meant to be casual. Sometimes he says things without thinking, like how cute Ruby is or how he missed him when he doesn’t get to hang out with him. He’s definitely feeling clingier these days, thinks it’s because their time together hasn’t been what it used to. He often has to remind himself that Ruby isn’t his boyfriend. 

“You looked good too,” Ruby finally says and Cesar tries not to be so loud when he breathes a sigh of relief. “You always look good.” And damn it, if Cesar isn’t blushing now. Sometimes Ruby says things too.

Cesar rolls over so he’s facing Ruby. “Lie with me,” he says. They cuddle a lot, whether it’s Ruby holding Cesar after a nightmare or Cesar holding Ruby when he’s too anxious to sleep. They probably shouldn’t, but cuddling can be casual. 

Ruby doesn’t hesitate to lay next to him and Cesar wraps his arms around him. Ruby’s head fits right under his, Cesar’s chin resting in his hair. He can feel Ruby breathing against his collarbone. Every time feels like the first time and Cesar is astonished by how nicely they fit together. He wouldn’t dare say something as cheesy as “two pieces to the same puzzle” but even he can’t deny that it is pretty poetic how he and Ruby have always gone so nicely together. Ever since they were little, they always gravitated towards each other; their little hands always found each other to hold, tiny arms always gave the best hugs. Cesar doesn’t believe in fate, but maybe the universe did have something to do with the two of them fitting together so naturally.

They’re close enough that their bare chests touch, skin to skin, feeling more intimate than all the times they’ve gotten each other off. He can only fight sleep so long before he’s drifting off, Ruby’s heartbeat his own personal lullaby. He falls asleep thinking that he would really, _really_ like to spend every day like this if he could 

When he wakes up the next morning, Ruby’s gone and the space where he once was is cold. Cesar tries not to be hurt by it. There’s nothing casual about hurt feelings.

* * *

“What’re you doing for Thanksgiving?”

They’ve been on the phone for nearly three hours. They played a riveting game of ‘what would you do if I was there?’ which got them both worked up; Cesar nearly bit a hole in his hand trying to keep quiet when Ruby got started on him, never would’ve guessed that a Catholic boy could have such a filthy mouth. Once the subsequent embarrassment and awkwardness faded, they just decided to stay on the phone with each other. Talking about nothing and everything made the hours feel more like seconds and neither of them have really noticed just how much time has passed.

“I think Oscar’s cooking,” he replies. “Couple of the guys are coming over. Sad Eyes was talking about deep frying the turkey but I think Oscar would rather die than let him touch the deep fryer or his turkey.” Ruby laughs, Cesar’s new favorite sound. “I can still come over though?”

“Yeah, Jamal and Monse are coming by after we eat,” Ruby says. “I’ll text you guys though.” 

Cesar nods his head, then remembers Ruby can’t see him. It’s getting late and he’s getting tired. His phone feels like it’s on fire and his battery is critically low. He rifles around for his charger, not quite ready to hang up yet. Ruby doesn’t say anything either, but it’s okay. The two of them lapse into silences like this, just listening to each other go about their evening with the other just _there_. It’s nice, almost makes Cesar not miss Ruby as much as he does. 

He knows what’s going on, he isn’t stupid. He can pretend all he wants but this thing he and Ruby have going on, it’s more than just physical. At least for him it is. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he wasn’t supposed to catch feelings and he feels like an idiot because he definitely did the number one thing you’re not supposed to do when you have a friend with benefits. But he did. And he’s terrified because it’s only a matter of time before he messes this up; he’s good at messing things up. Once Ruby finds out that Cesar likes him, this thing they have is going to end as quickly as it began. If he was smart, he would’ve called it off weeks ago, stopped himself from getting in deeper, but now he’s gone so far off the deep end and he has no hope of finding the surface.

He’s fucked. 

Ruby’s breathing changes and Cesar whispers into the phone, “You sleeping, _compa_?”

“No,” Ruby’s voice slurs a little and there’s the obvious struggle of him fighting a yawn. 

Cesar grins, he can’t help it. Everything Ruby does is just so damn endearing. “You wanna hang up?”

“No,” Ruby finally gives in and yawns. “Do you?” he asks him.

His smile widens despite himself. “No,” Cesar says quietly. They end up falling asleep on the phone together and Cesar pretends it means something more. He’s gotten good at pretending lately.

* * *

Planning Olivia’s quince consumes Ruby. He becomes obsessed and kind of obnoxious about it. Cesar tells him on more than one occasion that he’s lucky he’s cute because he’s driving everyone crazy. 

“You need to de-stress, _cariño_ ” he tells him after Ruby damn near has a conniption over getting a horse for the party. “Allow me to help.”

Ruby rolls his eyes. “And how are you going to do that?” he asks. “Because unless _you_ have an 18-wheeler that I can use to provide transpo -”

Cesar cuts him off with a kiss, slow and long. He kisses him until he can feel every bit of tension in Ruby’s body melt and only then does he pull away to catch his breath. Ruby stares at him for a moment, eyes wide and pupils even wider, before he moves in to kiss him again. He brings his hands up to hold Ruby’s face while they kiss while Ruby’s hands loop around his waist, pulling him in close. It used to embarrass him, being pressed up against Ruby like this, because he’s a fourteen year old boy and a gust of wind could make him hard. But Ruby is perpetually horny so if anyone should be tripping over himself to hide how hard he is, it’s Ruby. He’s not though, if anything Cesar’s the one who’s more flustered on his behalf. Ruby finds it funny that “suave,confident Cesar” is actually pretty shy.

If he could go back in time, Cesar probably wouldn’t have told Ruby everything was going to be fine. Because it seemed like the moment he said it was the moment everything fell apart.

* * *

It was so much easier when his biggest problem, all things considered, was the fact that he couldn’t dance with Ruby at the quince. He danced near him, even with Monse’s hands in his, he couldn’t take his eyes off of Ruby, wishing it was him that he was holding. They locked eyes a few times and Cesar wondered if he was really seeing what he thought he saw, if Ruby wanted the same thing as him. 

They managed one moment alone. Cesar asked him if he hated the new look, insecure about his shaved head and anxious about what it means and terrified that Ruby won’t want him now. Ruby responded by running his hand over the fuzz on the top of his head, his hand trailing down to cup his cheek and he whispered, “ _Eres tan hermoso._ ” Cesar could’ve cried.

He spent the whole night casually flirting with Ruby; brushing against him subtly enough that no one else would notice it happening, whispering to him how good he looked in his suit, whispering how good his suit would look on the floor of his bathroom. Ruby smacked him for that, but he giggled wildly at the same time, promised him “later” in the same breath. 

Later. They never got later.

* * *

Cesar hates himself. He should’ve just done it, taken out Lattrell and learned to live with this version of himself that he had no idea could exist. If it meant keeping Ruby safe, it would have been worth it.

Ruby.

Cesar can’t even think of him without feeling as though he’s drowning in guilt. He, Jamal, and Monse have been in the waiting room for hours, the three of them holding one another but not saying anything. They overhear the doctors tell Ruby’s parents that he’s been stabilized and that in time, he’ll make a full recovery. Monse and Jamal exhale in relief but not for the first time, Cesar just wishes it had been him.

The smell of the hospital makes him sick. The walls are too white, too bright, and everything is too quiet but so loud at the same time. Oscar won’t stop texting him, the constant buzzing of his phone in his pocket making him flinch. 

Monse stands guard at Ruby’s door; Mr. and Mrs. Martinez stepped away and he’s making the most of their absence. He doesn’t want them to see him, knows they won’t want to see him in the first place. But he has to see Ruby before he faces his fate. Won’t forgive himself if he doesn’t. 

Ruby looks so small in his bed. He’s swaddled with blankets, his face ashen. Cesar knows he should be thankful for the constant beeping of Ruby’s heart monitor but right now, all it does is remind him of where Ruby is and why he’s there. He hates himself. 

“Ruby, _please_ ,” he whispers through his tears, finally allowing himself to cry. Ruby’s hand is cold, it hurts to hold it. “Please, please be okay. I love you.” It’s the first time he’s said those words out loud and just giving them life makes him sob. He hopes Ruby can hear him, hopes that he can’t. More than anything he just hopes Ruby will be okay. “I love you,” he chokes out. He can’t stop shaking. He knows he’s going to have to leave soon. “I love you, I love you.” he keeps repeating the words until Monse signals him that the Martinezes are coming back. He presses a kiss to Ruby’s forehead before he leaves, terrified that it may be the last time he’ll ever get to do that.


	2. ii.

_  
‘Cesar?’_

_‘I’m home. Really want to see you.’_

_‘Please come over?’_

_‘I heard you.’_

_‘That night when you visited me in the hospital… I heard you.’_

_‘Can we just talk about it?’  
_

Cesar’s an asshole. It’s bad enough he got Ruby shot, the fact that he’s ghosting him now makes him the world’s worst human being in the history of awful human beings. But he can’t text him back; every time he tries, his hands shake and nothing sounds right and he ends up dropping his phone and giving up completely. He isn’t sure if it’s due to guilt or fear, but reaching out to Ruby has turned out to be the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. So hard that he just… can’t do it. 

It’s going on a month since the quince, since Ruby got shot, since Cesar last saw or heard from him. Ruby stopped texting him and Cesar doesn’t blame him; he tried for days to initiate contact, calling and texting so much that it makes Cesar’s heart ache. Because he knows how he feels; he’s in the same situation with Oscar right now. Radio silence from his brother must be universal retribution for his radio silence towards Ruby. _Karma es una perra_ , and so is he. 

Monse wants him to come to Ruby’s like they do every New Years Eve, she thinks it’s going to be an olive branch or something for the two of them, but she doesn’t realize that it won’t be that easy. Nothing about this is going to be easy. Especially knowing Ruby heard his pseudo love confession. 

He’s told Ruby he loves him before, not often but he’s said it; same with Jamal and Monse. But it was different that night, when he said it. Something about it felt different and he didn’t even realize it until he said the words himself, but that “I love you” wasn’t platonic. And if Ruby heard it, then he most likely read between the lines and he really _heard_ it. 

Everything is going to change now. Their relationship, their friendship. Everything is going to be different all because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. 

“The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to get,” Monse tries telling him. He knows she’s right but he just can’t face Ruby. He _can’t_.

He sighs, dejected. “Ruby might not want to see me,” he tells her, giving his biggest fears a life of their own. Just saying the words aloud makes his stomach twist. The thought of Ruby rejecting him makes him feel sick, makes his heart drop, his throat tighten. 

“Ruby wanted to make tonight a party,” Monse replies. “Do you really think he’d want to party if he was in a bad place?” He contemplates it for a moment, considering the weight of her words and the fact that maybe, just maybe, Ruby is okay and will be okay with _him_. But then Monse tells him to stop worrying about Ruby, as if Ruby isn’t the only thing that’s consumed his mind for the past few weeks. As if Ruby hasn’t been the first thing he’s thought about as he wakes up each morning and the last thing he remembers when he falls asleep. As if even before all of this shit, Ruby wasn’t the forefront of most aspects of his day. He’s been consumed with Ruby for so long, he can’t remember anyone else even mattering to him. 

And now he’s fucked it all up. He’s fucked everything up and he doesn’t know how to fix it, or even if there’s anything left of him and Ruby _to_ fix.

* * *

Cesar can’t remember the last time he felt so defeated, so pathetic. So unwanted. His brother doesn’t want him, his best friend’s mom doesn’t want him. It’s only a matter of time before his friends feel the same way. Before _Ruby_ feels the same way. And that’s assuming he doesn’t already. 

He knows he brought this on himself; he knows he has no one to blame but himself. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt all the same. And what hurts even more is not being able to go to the one person who would know just what to say and how to help him fix the mess he’s made. 

He misses Ruby. Plain and simple, he misses Ruby. He doesn’t even miss having someone to get him off at any given moment -- he would trade that in a heartbeat if it meant he could just spend time with Ruby again, if it meant he could hold him and be held by him, if it meant he could kiss the space between his eyes while he sleeps before he slips away. And that’s his problem, missing someone who isn’t his to miss. Falling in love with someone he shouldn’t have fallen in love with. 

Standing here, in the street outside of the Martinez house while just about everyone he cares about is inside having the best time and he’s on the outside looking in, that’s an all time low he isn’t quite sure how he reached. He doesn’t even remember coming here, just knows that one minute he was being degraded before the gang he was once told was his family to being shut out by one of the only mother figures he’s ever known. And he knows he should leave but at the same time, what’s the point? He has nowhere to go; mist as well get used to being on the street like this. 

And then there’s Ruby, emerging from the chaos of New Years Eve with tears in his eyes, a breathless sob choking him as he walks. He doesn’t notice Cesar, just staggers towards the memorial set up for Olivia. Cesar overhears him, “It should’ve never been you,” and he can’t stop himself from speaking up, “It should’ve been me.”

Ruby turns towards him so fast, Cesar has to tense up to keep from flinching backwards. There’s a pain in his chest when the two of them lock eyes, there’s a ringing in his ears so loud he can barely hear Ruby’s footsteps as he walks towards him. He can’t look away, can’t take his eyes off of Ruby, can’t breathe through the fear coursing through his veins at the thought of Ruby rejecting him. Of Ruby hating him as much as he hates himself. 

But then Ruby launches himself at him and Cesar doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around him, holding him as tight as he can. His body shakes with sobs, whether his or Ruby’s, he isn’t sure. But he clings to Ruby like he’s a lifesaver and Cesar is lost at sea; he feels like he can finally breathe after drowning for so long. 

“I’m sorry,” he sobs into the shorter boy’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Ruby.” There’s so much more he wants to say but the words are as lost as he feels.

Ruby gently untangles the two of them, pulling back but keeping his arms on Cesar’s shoulders. “I don’t blame you,” he insists through his tears, his admission making Cesar cry harder. There’s no way Ruby _can’t_ blame him; there’s no way Ruby can believe that it isn’t his fault that there’s a hole in him that will never hear. “You did the right thing.”

“I didn’t,” Cesar chokes out, tearfully. Because as thankful as he is that Ruby is alive, Cesar doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to forgive himself for being the reason he came so close to losing him. That bullet was meant for him. Sometimes he wishes that Latrell hadn’t missed. If he would’ve just done what Oscar told him to-

“I got nothing but love for you,” Ruby is quick to tell him, cutting into his thoughts. He bites his lip, swallowing down another sob. He ducks his head down, his forehead touching Ruby’s for a moment and then Ruby says to him, “It wasn’t your fault.” At that, Cesar goes to turn away, not wanting to face Ruby, who is clearly hopped up on pain medication or something that’s messing with his mind right now. But Ruby doesn’t hesitate to move his hand to the back of Cesar’s neck, forcing him to turn back towards him and he presses their foreheads together. “It wasn’t your fault,” he says firmly, so confidently and sure. Cesar almost believes him. Almost. 

He nods his head, not quite believing Ruby but believing that _he_ believes that, and maybe it’s the same thing. Maybe not. 

The two of them make their way back to Olivia’s memorial site, Monse and Jamal joining them. As they all take turns saying goodbye to her, Cesar wraps an arm around Ruby’s shoulder and holds onto him, cherishing how Ruby leans into him and lets himself be held. He tries not to think too much about how it could be the last time he does get to hold Ruby.

* * *

Ruby convinces him to stay over. He should be thanking Monse for mentioning that her dad found out he’s been crashing at her place and wants him gone, but after Mrs. Martinez shut him out, Ruby’s house is the last place he wants to be. 

“Your mom is going to freak if she finds me,” he says again, but still allows himself to crawl under Ruby’s covers. Mario and his girlfriend aren’t moving in until tomorrow, the two booked a hotel in case shit went sour after the baby reveal. Cesar knows this is his last real chance to stay with Ruby, to cuddle and be held by him. 

“She won’t,” Ruby reassures him softly. He gently lays next to him, laying on his good arm to face Cesar. Cesar’s breath hitches when Ruby presses his forehead to his, whispers “Hi, _papi_ ,” in a voice that’s reserved just for him and Cesar breaks again. Tears spill down his cheeks and he has to bury his face against Ruby’s chest to muffle his cries. “S’okay, you’re okay,” Ruby whispers to him. But even as he falls asleep in Ruby’s arms, Cesar can’t help but to feel anxiety settling in his bones, making it feel like his body is collapsing in on itself. 

They still haven’t talked about it.

* * *

Cesar’s up before the sun, orange barely greeting the horizon as he’s gently shaking Ruby awake. “I gotta go, _compa_ ,” he whispers to him when Ruby finally stirs. He groans quietly, face scrunched up in a way that’s all too cute and has Cesar wanting to kiss him _so_ badly. “I’ll see you later, right?” he asks when Ruby’s a bit more awake. “When we meet Jamal?”

“Mhm,” Ruby murmurs sleepily, rolling over so he’s on his side and facing Cesar. “See you later,” he echoes, already falling back asleep. Cesar sighs softly and leans in, kissing Ruby on his forehead and Ruby sighs, contendely. “Be safe,” he whispers to him. 

Cesar smiles, even though he knows Ruby can’t see him and promises, “I will.” He waits a moment, until Ruby’s drifted off once again, and then he’s gone. They still haven’t talked about it.

* * *

They go the whole day without seeing each other, Cesar wrapped up in Jamal’s hunt for his misplaced money and Ruby was vague about what he got caught up in that kept him from meeting up with the fam. It’s late when Ruby calls him, half past midnight, and Cesar’s still awake in the back of Monse’s dad’s car. The darkness illuminates with the glow of his phone, and his heart flutters when he sees Ruby’s name. He answers before he can convince himself not to; up until now, he had forgotten that the two of them still hadn’t talked about what he said in the hospital. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Ruby breathes into his ear and if Cesar closes his eyes, he can pretend that Ruby’s here with him. There’s a pause. “I missed you,” Ruby whispers to him. 

“You did?” he asks, hoarse and uncertain. Cesar’s heart is in his throat, it’s hard to swallow. 

Ruby scoffs, “Of course I did. I really missed you.” He pauses. “Why didn’t you ever call me back?” he asks quietly, almost as if he doesn’t want to be asking this in the first place. “Or text me back?” 

Cesar winces. “I -” he hesitates, clears his throat. “I was, uh,” There’s so much he could say that would make sense; he was dealing with Oscar, the Santos, getting DP’d, figuring out where he was going to sleep. And it wouldn’t even be a lie, but something about those answers don’t feel suitable. “I was scared,” he finally admits, his voice barely a notch above a whisper. He didn’t think any three words would be harder for him to say; saying ‘I love you’ was easy compared to this. 

There’s hesitation in Ruby’s voice. “Um, about - about what you said… At the hospital -”

“Look,” Cesar interrupts, a little too loudly. He can’t hear himself over the thunderstorm in his chest. “We can just… pretend I never said anything.” 

The silence that follows is deafening. “Is that what you want?” Ruby finally asks. “To keep pretending?” 

And there’s something about the way he says it that has Cesar forgetting how to breathe. Dizzy, he sits up, puts his forehead on the back of the passenger’s seat in front of him and pretends it’s Ruby he’s leaning against. “I -” he can’t fucking remember how to speak. “I thought that’s what you would want.” He sounds so meek, so scared. He can’t even pretend that he’s anything but. 

“It’s not,” Ruby replies. “What I want. I -” he stops himself then tries again. “I just want you,” his voice shakes and Cesar’s the one who feels like he could cry. He means to say something, anything, but he doesn’t and time ticks on in silence, letting him know he should’ve said _something_. But Ruby is the one who finally speaks up and when he does, Cesar nearly drops his phone. “I love you too, C.”

Speechless, breathless. Cesar’s hands shake and he grips his phone extra hard just in case he does drop it. “You - what?” he chokes out, his voice in a whisper. His ears are ringing and he almost convinces himself that he’s dreaming. It’s been so long since someone told him that they loved him. 

And the fact that it’s Ruby -- Ruby, who he hasn’t been “just friends” with in so long but nothing on par with an actual relationship. Ruby, who was supposed to only be no strings attached type of thing but is apparently tangled up in Cesar just as much as he’s tangled in him. The two of them are wound so tightly together, like two dogs with a leash running in circles around them, trapping them together. 

“I love you,” Ruby repeats and god, Cesar could listen to him say those words over and over again, like replaying his favorite song. 

“You love me?” he repeats in disbelief. His eyes burn with unshed tears but he does not -- will not -- cry. 

There’s a pause. “Is - is that okay?” Ruby asks, nervousness evident in his tone. “I - I mean, you said it first and I just -”

“I did,” Cesar confirms. Everything feels fake, like he really is dreaming. And maybe he is, but he hopes he doesn’t wake up. “I love you, Ruby,” he whispers. The words are free now, sprouting wings and soaring; no longer do they just live in his head, in his throat, in his chest, in his stomach. Now they’re Ruby’s. 

“I love you too.” Cesar can practically see the smile on Ruby’s face.

* * *

The first day back to school after winter break is weird. It feels like the first day all over again; a new beginning, a fresh start. But at the same time so much is the same as it was before that Cesar can’t even bring himself to care about being back at school. Sure, it’s nice getting breakfast and lunch five days of the week again and being able to shower at the school is a perk he didn’t think he’d need, but it doesn’t do much to distract him from the fact that everything else in his life is shit. 

Well, almost everything. 

There’s a tug on the back of his hoodie as he walks to the cafeteria and Cesar is stumbling backwards, being pulled into an empty classroom before he can even process what’s going on. “What the -” He stops himself when he sees Ruby standing there, shutting the door after the two of them.

He smiles shyly at him. “Hey,” he says softly. “Is, uh, is this okay?” 

Cesar shifts his weight from foot to foot, dropping his backpack to the floor. He can’t fight the upwards pull of his lips. “Is what okay?” he asks, coyly. The ball is in Ruby’s court now, he’s running the show and Cesar’s just following his lead. 

Ruby smirks, takes a tentative step towards Cesar, closing the gap between them both and reaches for his hands. “Is _this_ okay?” he asks. Cesar’s moving before Ruby does but at the same time, their lips press against one another’s. It’s only been a few weeks but it’s like their first kiss all over again; Cesar can feel electricity crackling in his bones, butterflies in his stomach and flying up to his chest, his heart fluttering the way it hasn’t in a while. He’s missed this feeling more than he realized. 

His hands find their way inside of Ruby’s jacket, the skin on skin contact making his whole body feel like it’s on fire and all he’s doing is touching Ruby’s arms. He’s weak for this boy, he knows it. Absentmindedly, his fingers skirt up Ruby’s arm to his shoulder, and once he realizes, he flinches backwards. “I - I’m sorry,” he chokes out.

Ruby looks confused. “Why are you sorry?” he asks. He’s still holding onto Cesar’s waist, not letting him get very far from him. Cesar adverts his eyes to Ruby’s shoulder, where his scar is hidden beneath his t-shirt, then glances away almost immediately. Ruby follows his eyes, then sighs. “C, it’s fine,” he says softly. He lets go of Cesar to unbutton his shirt, tugs on the collar of his shirt and brandishes his scar like a badge of honor.

Cesar forces himself to look down at the floor. “Don’t,” he whispers. 

“Cesar, we can’t pretend it never happened,” Ruby insists. He reaches for Cesar’s hand and brings it up, placing his fingers right beneath his scarred skin. Cesar’s sure he can feel him tensing up. “It happened, but that was then and this is now,” he tells him. “If we’re going to move forward, first we have to move on. Let it go.”

“Let it go?” Cesar asks incredulously. He goes to pull away but Ruby keeps his hand right where it is.

“ _I’m_ the one who got shot,” Ruby reminds him, as if he could ever forget. “And I’m telling you we both need to let it go. I don’t want this to be something we dwell on for the rest of our lives, especially you. I don’t want you afraid to touch me again because I _want_ you to touch me again.” His face flushes. “I missed you, C,” he says softly. “I really, really fucking missed you.”

Guilt settles in the pit of his stomach. “I missed you too,” he whispers. He hesitates, debating if he’s really going to do this, then throws caution to the wind and leans forward, bending down to press his lips to the space right above Ruby’s bullet wound. Ruby exhales a shuddering breath and Cesar kisses up his shoulder, his neck, to his jaw then mouth. He isn’t sure which one of them is more of a mess, both gasping softly and moaning. It’s been too long.

They barely remember to meet Monse and Jamal for lunch.

* * *

The four of them plan to meet at Ruby’s after school and Cesar’s the first to arrive - of course he is. He texts Ruby from his front yard. _‘Here.’_

Ruby replies almost immediately. _‘So come inside??’_

_‘Is your mom gone?’_ The Martinezes’ car is gone but he’s not about to take any chances. He can’t stomach getting rejected by Geny again, the first time was painful enough. He adamantly makes no moves until Ruby texts him back, _‘Yeah.’_ and only then does he allow himself to breathe.

Abuelita is in the kitchen and Ruby’s lounging on the couch, tells him, “My kitchen reservation isn’t for another two minutes.”

Cesar chuckles softly, of course Ruby put in a reservation in his own house. That’s such a _Ruby_ thing and it warms his heart. He glances back into the kitchen at Abuelita, then takes a seat on the opposite end of the couch as far away from Ruby as he can get. 

Ruby raises an eyebrow then like a typical twenty-first century kid, he texts him. _‘Do I have cooties?’_

Cesar exhales a laugh, bites his lip to keep quiet, and texts her back, _‘Your abuelita is less than five feet away from us. Can’t take any chances.’_

_‘What does that mean?’_

_‘It means don’t trust myself not to jump you if I sit any closer to you.’_ Cesar glances up from his phone just in time to see Ruby’s face redder than it’s ever been. He smirks, then sends another text. _‘Besides, J and Monse will be here any minute. Don’t want them walking in on us.’_ He pauses, then sends a second text, _‘Or maybe you do?’_

Ruby drops his phone trying to put it in his pocket. If that isn’t telling, his beet red face certainly is.

* * *

Cesar texts Ruby that night at midnight on the verge of a panic attack, his hands shaking as he asks if he’s awake. He tried being open minded about Monse finding him a hostel to stay at but he knew the moment he arrived that it was going to be a long night. He’s more hopeful about him losing consciousness from breathlessness than actually falling asleep.

His phone lights up a few minutes later, Ruby calling him. He answers right away. “Hello?” his voice is hushed as he tries to keep the panic at bay. 

“Hey, you okay?” Ruby asks. “It’s late as hell, where are you?”

“Hostel,” he chokes out. It’s harder than he anticipated to speak right now. “M - Monse found it, it’s where I’m staying.” He can’t bring himself to tell Ruby it’s for three nights, even he doesn’t want to think about that. 

Ruby swears under his breath. “Are you doing okay?” 

Cesar shrugs then remembers that Ruby can’t see him and he quietly tells him, “I just can’t sleep.”

“Just breathe, C,” Ruby tells him. “Try to relax, okay? For me?” Cesar lets out a noise that sounds similar to a wounded animal and Ruby asks, “Did you do the reading for Mrs. Gonzalez yet?” 

“The what?” Cesar asks him, confused, head pounding. 

“ _The Catcher in the Rye_ ,” Ruby replies and Cesar can hear some shuffling on his end of the call, the click of his lamp turning on. “Want me to read it to you?” Cesar doesn’t reply, still confused, still trying to figure out what exactly it is that Ruby’s doing. But then Ruby starts reading to him, “ _If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth._ ” and his voice is so soft and soothing, bringing Cesar the peace he so desperately craved for the past few hours now. It’s so weird how Ruby just knows what he needs, just what to do to take care of him and make him feel better. He rarely even has to say anything, Ruby always just knows what to do. 

He loses track of time while Ruby reads to him and he eventually finds himself dozing in and out of consciousness, drifting off then coming back just to hear Ruby still reading to him, not once stopping. “Thank you, Ruby,” Cesar interrupts him when he feels himself falling asleep, his voice thick with sleep, slightly slurred. 

He imagines Ruby smiling, so sweet and perfect, so _hermoso_. “You don’t have to thank me,” he says softly. Then goes back to reading until Cesar is lulled into a content sleep.

* * *

Time goes by slower than ever, maybe because he’s vaguely sleep deprived, but in the following days, Cesar learns something about himself. He used to be able to pride himself on not being a jealous person, and for fuck’s sake, considering Ruby told _him_ that he loved him, he definitely shouldn’t be jealous. But something sour settes in the pit of his stomach when Ruby admits to him and Jamal that he likes Jasmine. The way Ruby’s lips curl into a soft smile after spending the afternoon at Jasmine’s house has him seeing red. And green.

Maybe that’s why he felt the need to blurt out, “I’m staying at Jamal’s,” just for the sake of gauging Ruby’s reaction. 

“Oh,” Ruby says, a little dumbfounded, a bit surprised. “Oh, um, great. Good, I mean. I’m glad you’re staying somewhere safe.” He trips over his words a bit and Cesar can see in his expression that he’s wishing it was his house he was staying out. Cesar hopes that Ruby can see _me too_ written all over his face.

* * *

With his back against the bathtub, he doesn’t think twice and he dials Ruby’s number. He answers on the third ring. “Hey,” he sounds a bit panicked and Cesar suddenly remembers that it’s past midnight on a school night. “Is everything alright?”

“Oh. Shit, yeah. I’m sorry,” he says in a hushed voice, careful not to alert Jamal or his parents where he is or that he’s up so late on a school night. “I should’ve texted first, did I wake you?”

“No, I’ve been up,” Ruby tells him. “Can’t sleep.”

Cesar pauses. “Is everything okay?” he asks.

“I guess?” The way Ruby says it sounds like a question, like he isn’t even sure himself. “I just can’t shut my brain up sometimes. It’s like I’m thinking too loud and then I can’t sleep.” He sighs a little, “It sounds stupid, I know.”

“No, no, I get it,” Cesar is quick to reassure him because the last thing he wants is Ruby doubting himself. “There’s nothing stupid about how you feel, _compa_.”

Cesar imagines Ruby’s smile as he says, “Thanks,” and that, in turn, makes him smile. A lot. “So why’re you up?”

“ _Dios_ ,” he sighs heavily, his free hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Jamal. I mean, I’m so, so thankful that I have somewhere to stay that’s not an underpass, but…” he sighs again, sort of feeling like a dick for not being as appreciative of Jamal as he should be. But then he remembers Jamal literally tried shaving his armpits while he slept. “He’s not the best roommate,” he settles on. 

There’s a pause on Ruby’s end. “So,” he says when he finally decides to speak up. “Speaking of Jamal…”

“Yeah?” Cesar asks slowly. 

“Is there a reason you were trying to make me jealous?” Ruby asks. “Y’know, when you told me you were staying with him.”

A blush creeps up on Cesar’s neck and face; he’s thankful that he and Ruby aren’t on Facetime. “I - I _wasn’t_ ,” he stutters, then sighs and stops himself. Screw it. “Because you like Jasmine,” he admits with a heavy sigh, shamefully and embarrassed.

“I _what_?” Ruby blurts out and Cesar’s face feels even hotter. He can’t remember the last time he was so embarrassed. “Cesar, she and I are just friends, you couldn’t possibly think -”

“It was just the way you said it,” Cesar cuts in, hoping to explain himself before he digs a hole and buries himself at the core of the earth. “That you liked it, and it was - I don’t know, it was just annoying!”

Ruby deadpans, “You do realize I told you I loved you, like, a month ago, right?” 

Cesar groans. “Shut up, I know I’m being ridiculous,” he insists, still blushing and flustered and hating everything about it. But hearing Ruby remind him that he loves him, that gives him a burst of euphoria like nothing other. 

“I don’t like Jasmine,” Ruby reiterates. “I like _you_.”

The way Cesar’s heart starts racing can’t be healthy, but he assumes he’s too young for a real heart condition. Besides, love is a heart condition on its own accord, one that no one is immune to, regardless of their age. “I like you too, you know that,” Cesar says softly. “I like you and I love you.”

“I like you and love you too,” Ruby’s voice is just as soft. Cesar inhales deeply, breathing in Ruby’s words and swallowing them, keeping them safe in his chest. “So,” Ruby says after a moment of mutual silence. “What does that mean?”

Cesar opens his mouth to reply but stops himself when he realizes that he doesn’t have an answer for Ruby. If this were a normal relationship, it would mean that the two of them are a couple now. But he and Ruby are anything but normal, and he has no idea how to navigate their relationship now that it’s so obviously something much more than the two of them getting each other off and calling it a day. “What do you think it means?” he asks, hoping that seeing where Ruby stands will help him decide on things. 

“I don’t know,” Ruby admits. “It was one thing when it was just us messing around but now…” he trails off and Cesar sighs in understanding. 

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he says softly. “It’s different now.”

“Not bad,” Cesar points out. “Just. Different.” He hesitates then says, “Different is kind of how we got started, you know?”

Ruby chuckles softly. “Trust me, I know,” he says. They were younger then, curious. It started as a sleepover game of truth or dare, the two of them exposing themselves in ways they never thought they would -- how Ruby never had his first kiss (because Monse definitely didn’t count), how they both thought they might like boys _and_ girls -- and Cesar was somehow brave enough to dare Ruby to let him be his first kiss. His first kiss, then his second, his third… As it turned out, the two of them liked kissing each other a lot more than they thought they would.

“So,” Cesar speaks up after a moment. “Are you _sure_ now?” he can't help but to ask, knowing that in the beginning, neither of them were sure if they were straight or not -- obviously neither of them are, but still. Still. 

He hears Ruby sigh. “The only thing I’m sure about,” he tells him, speaking slowly as if he’s struggling to pick his words. “Is you.” Those words take Cesar’s breath away; he’s sure he gasps quietly but his heart is beating so hard that he can’t hear himself. He almost doesn’t hear Ruby as he says, “And how much I like you, and how much I don’t want whatever we are to end.”

“I don’t want this to end either,” Cesar admits softly. “This. Us. I don’t know what this is or what we are, but I don’t want to lose it or you.”

Ruby sighs again. “You won’t lose me, Cesar. You could never lose me. No matter what, I’m your best friend first and foremost.” Ruby’s words make sparks fizzle in his chest, a crackle of electricity like the air before a storm taking up the space in his heart. “But,” Ruby says and that single word makes his heart sink. “We’ve got to figure our shit out.”

“You mean, our relationship?” Cesar asks him, blushing when he says ‘relationship’ in regards to him and Ruby. He never imagined they’d be here. 

“Not - not just that,” Cesar takes too much joy in hearing how flustered Ruby sounds all of a sudden. “I meant _our_ shit. You have more than enough going on right now and you need to think about that, not me.” 

“I would much rather think about you instead of all the shit gone wrong in my life,” Cesar interrupts, and he means it.

“I know, but you can’t,” Ruby insists. “You have to put yourself first this time.”

Cesar sighs, something awful gnawing at his stomach. He knows Ruby is right and he doesn’t like it. “Okay, but so do you,” he tells him. “You literally got shot, Ruby. You have to prioritize your mental health, not a relationship.” He hesitates, then quietly says, “And I want you to be with me because you _want_ to be with me. Not because you’re trying to fill something that Olivia left behind.”

Ruby goes quiet for so long, if Cesar hadn’t checked his phone he would’ve thought he hung up. “I don’t - I _didn’t_ ,” he finally says. “Like Olivia that way. You’re the only person I have feelings like that for. I’m not trying to replace her with you.”

“I know, and I believe you,” Cesar is quick to say. “But you lost someone you cared about, there’s no moving on from that in two months.” His eyes suddenly burn and he squeezes them shut. “I’m not going anywhere,” he says. “When you want me -”

“I want you _now_ ,” Ruby insists.

“And when you’re _ready_ for me,” Cesar continues, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I’ll be here. But whether you want to admit it or not, you’re still healing from losing Olivia. I don’t want to be your temporary fix.” He whispers, shyly, “I want to be permanent.”

Ruby sounds wounded. “And I do too,” he whispers. “I don’t want to be a distraction for everything gone wrong for you.”

“Ruby, that’s not what you are to me,” Cesar insists immediately. “But I know what you’re saying.”

The two of them fall into an uneasy silence and Ruby breaks it by saying, “Look, once things have really gone back to normal, or as normal as they can be for us, we can pick up right where we left off. And then we can figure out what we are.”

Cesar lets out a dry chuckle, forces it, then says, “This sort of feels like a breakup,” and hopes it sounds like he’s joking, even though he’s not.

“Yeah,” Ruby agrees, quietly. He doesn’t say anything for a moment then whispers, “I love you.”

Cesars heart clenches. He feels it in his throat and for a moment, he forgets to breathe. “I love you too,” he whispers. Neither of them hang up their phones, even after Cesar climbs back into bed with Jamal, and they fall asleep together like that.

* * *

“That’s the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen,” Cesar tells Ruby right before pulling it off and discarding it on the floor of the boy’s bathroom. The lights are dimmer at night than they are during the day, the fluorescents less harsh than either of them are used to. Ruby still looks as good as he always does.

“Fuck you, that was custom made!” Ruby picks up his shirt as soon as Cesar takes it off, but he doesn’t put it back on; he hangs it on the hook on the back of the door in the stall they’re both in. It’s cramped, a tight fit, but that just means they have to be closer to each other. 

“Besides,” Ruby says, his hands tugging on the sleeves of Cesar’s jacket he borrowed from Jamal. “I _know_ you aren’t talking about ugly clothes when you willingly left the house with _this_ on.”

Cesar huffs out a laugh, his heart hammering in anticipation of where this is headed. It’s a bad idea, he knows this, Ruby probably knows this; they both agreed to put everything on pause. “It’s not like I had anything else to wear,” he tells him. Once the jacket is off, Ruby starts working at the buttons on his shirt. “Don’t mess with the tie too much,” he says softly, then blushes when he adds, “I kind of don’t know how to tie a tie.”

Ruby smirks at him. “I do,” he says, the final button undone and Cesar’s chest free. Ruby’s hands are on him almost immediately, like a magnetic attraction that neither of them can deny the pull of. “I’ll take care of you,” he says in a low voice.

Cesar bites his lip, shifting his weight from foot to foot, and he takes hold of Ruby’s waist in his hands. “Yeah?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Ruby nods, pushes himself up on his toes and kisses Cesar, nudges him so his back is pressed against the wall of the stall and presses himself flush against Cesar’s body. They kiss and that’s all it takes for Cesar to forget that they’re at a school dance, hiding out in a bathroom stall just for a few minutes of alone time together; to forget that they shouldn’t be doing this in the first place. 

“This is kinda gross,” Cesar whispers against Ruby’s mouth in between kisses, nodding his head towards the toilet less than a foot away from the two of them. 

“Do,” Ruby pants a little into Cesar’s lips. “Do you want to stop?” Ruby’s chest is against his, skin on skin making him feel like he’s on fire. Their hips so tightly are pressed together, any closer and the two of them would fuse together into one being. Sometimes it seems like they already are, with the way they’re always so in sync, always so in tune to each other. 

Cesar drags his blunt nails down Ruby’s back. “No.” And Ruby just smiles into their next kiss.

* * *

They sneak out of the bathroom one after the other and thankfully no one notices how long they’ve been gone, or the fact that they were MIA together. Ruby disappears with Jasmine to prepare for the dance competition, Cesar sticks with Monse and embarasses her with his god awful dance moves. No one is none the wiser. And for a few hours, everything goes so smoothly, Cesar can pretend that he’s just a normal kid with a normal life at a normal school dance. 

Until that song. That damned song. 

Cesar can’t remember what he was saying as his voice tapers off, the first few seconds of the song that played the night of Olivia’s quince drowning out his thoughts until he’s consumed with nothing but that night. The way Ruby screamed his name, the explosion of gunfire ripping through the air, Ruby and Olivia falling to the ground in puddles of their own blood. A voice that sounds too similar to his own echoes in his mind, _It should’ve been you, it should’ve been you._

He hears Ruby gasping for air and without a second thought, he takes him under his arm, holding him as close as he can, practically carrying him out of the school gym, away from that song and away from the memories that still haunt him. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispers to him but he’s certain Ruby can’t hear him over the sound of his sobs. 

He and Monse get Ruby out to the front steps of the school, the music immediately muffled as the door slams shut behind them. Ruby’s legs are hardly steady and Cesar helps ease him down. “Just sit, just sit,” he murmurs to him. Ruby’s sobs break his heart and it’s killing him that he doesn’t know what to do, that there’s nothing he _can_ do. As much as he wants to take all of Ruby’s pain away, he knows that he can’t. “Everything is alright,” he lies to Ruby, hoping that he believes his attempts at comfort more than he does as he says it. “Okay? You’re safe,” he swears this much is true; he’ll die before he lets anyone hurt Ruby ever again. 

Ruby’s sobs don’t subside, his gasps for air leaving him breathless. Monse goes inside to get him some water and he hears Jasmine filling her absence not but a second later. He looks back at her, a pleading look in his eyes. “Can you go check on Monse?” he asks, just wanting to be alone with Ruby. 

Jasmine hesitates, looking torn between staying with Ruby and going after Monse, but relents all the same, and just as soon as she’s arrived, she’s gone. It’s only the two of them now. 

Cesar moves his hand from rubbing Ruby’s back to take both of his hands in his own, squeezing them tightly and bringing his knuckles up to his mouth, pressing soft and soothing kisses to his skin. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispers to him. “I’m here, you’re okay.” He presses another kiss to his fingers. “I’ve got you.” Ruby looks at him with tears in his eyes and it breaks Cesar’s heart. He pulls him into his arms, hugging him tight and whispers into his hair, “I’m so sorry, Ruby.” Maybe it’s a good thing that the two of them are supposed to be taking a break now; why would Ruby want to be with the guy who’s the reason his entire world is in shambles?

* * *

Monse abandons them to Brentwood after the dance; Cesar’s only mostly bitter about it. He knows he should be supportive of her going to get to know her mother but right now, it just feels like another person he loves has left him behind. 

“She’s going to come back,” Ruby tells him. It’s late, they both should be asleep, but Cesar’s hiding out in Jamal’s bathroom again, talking to Ruby on the phone. It’s sort of become their _thing_ as awfully cheesy and cliche as it sounds; neither of them can sleep anymore so they end up calling each other. Cesar’s surprised he hasn’t gotten a text from the phone company about going over his data (then he remembers that the plan Oscar has them on has unlimited data, then he remembers how Oscar is still paying for his phone even though he isn’t home, then he remembers Oscar, and it just makes him sadder than sad). 

“She might not,” he insists, sulkily. He knows he’s being dramatic about this but even so, it’s not doing much to change his mood. “It’s _Brentwood_ \- hell, anywhere would be better than living in Freeridge.”

“Freeridge is her home,” Ruby reminds him. He’s good at being patient with him, even when he doesn’t deserve it. Especially when he doesn’t deserve it. “ _We’re_ here home. She’ll be back.”

Cesar sighs, knowing that if he tries to disagree with him they’ll just keep going in circles and he’s getting tired of that; just going around and around like two lions circling the same prey. He wants something concrete, something that makes sense. He wants closure, he wants answers. 

But he doesn’t have any and it would be unfair of him to demand them from Ruby if he can’t give him any. And maybe he’s just a little afraid of Ruby validating his worst fears -- why would he want to be involved with a homeless ex-gang member in the first place? Why would he want to be with the person who got him shot, the person who caused their best friend to die? Why would he want to be with someone who would have to keep him a secret, because even if the two of them did get together there’s no way in hell he could come out to Oscar any time soon. Ruby doesn’t deserve that, or his baggage, or him. He deserves better.

“Don’t you have work tomorrow?” Ruby asks him. “Maybe you should try getting some sleep.”

“Trying to get rid of me?” Cesar jokes, but his chest tightens all the same. 

Ruby huffs out a chuckle. “You know damn well I would stay on the phone with you until both of our batteries died,” he tells him and immediately, the tension inside of Cesar loosens. “But you need to make a good impression on Mr. Turner and for what it’s worth, I want you to keep this job. It’s about time something good has happened to you. And you _deserve_ good things to happen to you for once, C.”

“Maybe,” he says because he doesn’t have the energy to verbally disagree with Ruby. He doesn’t deserve shit. Least of all Ruby.

* * *

Working at Dwayne’s isn’t half bad, even spending more time with Jamal is better than being alone. Even though Jamal hounds him for being on his phone too much, tells him to leave Monse alone; he doesn’t bother correcting him and telling him that he’s texting Ruby. 

_‘Miss you.’_ He pockets his phone right after he sends the text, busying himself with wiping down table tops so he doesn’t stare at his phone, anxiously awaiting Ruby’s reply. He never thought the two of them would get to this point, sending each other cheesy texts like that during the day just because they can. But it feels right; natural. He doesn’t have to force anything or even try too hard, everything with Ruby flows as easily as a river’s tides. 

He doesn’t hear from Ruby for a few hours, tries not to worry or take it personally when he finds out that Mario called Jamal to tell him that Ruby’s in a “massive funk.” He ignores the jealousy that bubbles in the pit of his stomach when Jamal says that Ruby needs _him_ , hates that he wishes it was _him_ Mario reached out to instead. Ruby and Jamal are best friends just like he and Ruby are; it doesn’t matter who helps him as long as someone is helping him -- at least, that’s what he tries to tell himself. He wishes he was a better person and believed that but he’s not and all he can think about is being with Ruby. Taking care of Ruby. Comforting Ruby. 

As soon as Jamal leaves, Cesar sends another text -- _‘Jamal’s coming to check up on you. Is everything okay? Are you okay?’_

Then another -- _‘Obviously you aren’t if Mario’s calling Jamal. Sorry, that was dumb’_

Then another -- _‘Ruby? Talk to me please?’_

Then another -- _‘Thinking of you. I hope you’re doing alright.’_

Then another -- _‘I love you.’_

* * *

He doesn’t hear from Ruby at all that day and he has to talk himself out of texting Mario at least three times to check up on him. Tries not to take it personally when he falls asleep and wakes up without word from Ruby. 

He’s trying not to take a lot of things personally these days. 

Like how people talk about him as if he isn’t around. Like Jamal and Ruby galavanting off to Brentwood to visit Monse without him. Like the way he keeps getting dumped from person to person, couch to couch. It’s hard not to feel personal when it _is_ personal, when everything gone wrong has to do with him.

It seems like the only thing that hasn’t gone wrong yet is him and Ruby. 

It’s so strange to him how the one thing he’s been so terrified of fucking up is the one thing he’s managaging to get right. Even with all the wrong he’s done, he and Ruby always seem to find their heads above water once again. He and Ruby. It sounds perfect when he thinks of the two of them like that. Whatever they are, he knows that first and foremost _he and Ruby_ are the beginning and the end of everything. They don't need labels when they have each other. He doesn’t need a label when he knows that Ruby is the only person that matters to him. Boy, girl, everything in between and everything outside of the binary -- no one else is on his radar, it’s all about Ruby.

Ruby is his constant. And Cesar thinks that maybe, just maybe, he could be Ruby’s too.

* * *

He has no idea how Monty did it but he’s staying at Ruby’s house now. He supposes he should be grateful but with Geny looking at him like he’s the second coming of Hitler, he decides he’d rather be sleeping on their front lawn. 

He doesn’t blame Geny for being cold towards him when he first arrived at the Martinez house; he’s still surprised she actually agreed to let him stay with them. Ruby was practically tripping over himself trying to get Cesar settled, making him a makeshift bed on the couch and overwhelming him with more pillows than he needed. Had the circumstances been different, he would find the whole thing so cute.

But there’s just this nagging feeling he can’t shake, following him wherever he goes around the Martinez house, reminding him just how unwanted he really is. His body aches with exhaustion by the end of the day but he can’t sleep, sitting on the couch and staring blankly at the TV, not even registering what’s on the screen before him. The bright lights are irritating and hurt his head but he can’t be bothered to do anything about it. He’s too tired, too in his head; he doesn’t even realize Ruby’s in the room with him until he sits down on the couch next to him.

Cesar flinches, startled, but allows himself to relax with Ruby in such a close proximity. “Hey,” he says softly. 

“Can’t sleep?” Ruby asks, and when Cesar shakes his head, Ruby says, “Some things never change, I guess.” Cesar forces a smile, not wanting to tell Ruby the reason he can’t sleep is because he feels like a burden everywhere he goes, because he misses his bed and his room and his brother, because he can’t turn his brain off long enough for him to get any rest. “Hey,” Ruby nudges him. “What’s going on?”

God, where does he even start? There’s so much going on that he almost feels numb to it all. With a small sigh, Cesar draws his knees up to his chest as Ruby takes the thin, white blanket on the back of the couch and drapes it over his shoulders. He feels so small. “I shouldn’t be here,” he blurts out. “I should just go back to sleeping on the streets and staying out of everyone’s way. And everyone’s lives.” He chuckles, bitterly, and says mostly to himself, “At least that way I can’t mess anything else up.”

“ _I_ want you here,” Ruby says right away. He reaches for Cesar’s hand and squeezes it once he’s got it in his. “I don’t care what my mom says or does, you _need_ to be here and nowhere else, much less on the streets. And you aren't messing anything up, _querido_.”

Cesar scoffs, “I beg to differ.”

“Well of course _you_ do,” Ruby replies with an eye roll. He squeezes Cesar’s hand again and it makes his heart flutter harder, faster, louder. God, he’s so smitten. “But that’s not the truth. Spooky never should’ve put you in that Sophie’s choice situation.”

Cesar looks down at their hands, their intertwined fingers. “I don’t want to talk about Spooky,” he says quietly, his own voice barely audible over the thumpthumpthump of his heart. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Ruby nod in understanding, mutter, “Sorry,” and Cesar just shrugs in response. 

Ruby brings their hands up and kisses Cesar’s fingers, knuckles, the back of his palm, even his wrist right over his pulse until he can garner a smile from him. When Cesar giggles, Ruby whispers to him, “I love your smile.”

With a blush, Cesar replies, “I love _you_.” He can’t deny how happy it makes him to see Ruby’s face flush red in the glow of television light when he says, “I love you too.” Cesar pulls Ruby in close, close enough that he’s practically in his lap, and he kisses him, long and slow, savoring it like it’s their first kiss and their last kiss all at the same time. 

Ruby moves towards him with ease, constantly gravitating towards him like he always has; the two of them never leaving each other’s orbits. His knees are on either side of Cesar’s hips as he settles comfortably on top of him and Cesar’s hands move, one on Ruby’s waist, the other cupping his cheek, encouraging him to grow roots where he’s planted. 

Call him a horny teenager -- though logic would argue that he _is_ one -- but it’s been so long since he and Ruby were alone like this, since they were able to _do_ anything like this, that just the act of kissing Ruby is making his entire body overheat with want. And Ruby’s mouth is so tantalizing, he doesn’t even have to try; it’s quite annoying, actually. Coupled with the fact that at any moment Ruby’s parents, or abuelita, or brother could interrupt them, his adrenaline is at an all time high. Thankfully, he’s got class. 

He drags his teeth across Ruby’s bottom lip before taking it into his mouth and sucking on it, smirking when he hears a sharp intake of breath turn into a moan. Whispers, “ _Te extrañé_ ,” against Ruby’s mouth. They’re on borrowed time, someone could put an end to this, to the two of them, ten minute from now or ten seconds. Cesar knows they need to be smarter, more careful, but right now he doesn’t care about getting caught; he just cares about getting his hands on Ruby and Ruby’s hands on him.

Ruby tucks his head into the crook of Cesar’s neck and for a moment, he thinks he’s just trying to catch his breath -- until Ruby kisses his throat. He’s always slow with it, never leaving any marks behind when he’s finished; Cesar’s begun to suspect that he does this on purpose, that Ruby knows how much it drives him crazy to have him kissing him so slow and careful. 

“ _Mi vida_ ,” Ruby calls him. “ _Mi vida entera._ ” And just like that, it’s not about sex or getting each other off. It’s so much more than that, and maybe it always has been. Maybe they were doomed from the start to love each other more than words could say.

* * *

Cesar’s stay at Ruby’s is over almost as soon as it starts. He goes from bumming it at a church to staying at someone named Chivo’s house. He doesn’t bother getting comfortable at Chivo’s; it’s just temporary anyway. Everywhere is temporary and it’s only a matter of time before he’s uprooted once more. 

Of course, this time he doesn’t expect it to happen in the middle of the night. 

He tenses up as soon as he hears someone banging on Chivo’s front door, the feeling remaining when he finds out that it’s Ruby on the other side. He’s hysterical, panicking, in tears as he explains how the Prophet$ rolled up on him, Jamal, and Monse, how they’re looking for Cesar, how they know _his_ name. He’s never felt more helpless than he does watching Ruby cry right here and now, he’s never hated himself when the words, “They’re gonna kill us all,” fall from Ruby’s lips like the waving of a white flag.

He takes Ruby’s face in his hands, maybe a little too roughly, and he says the most honest thing he’s ever said since the first time he told Ruby that he loved him, “I’d die before I let anything happen to you, you know that right?” It takes Ruby a moment but he nods in understanding, and Cesar tells him to go to the bathroom, to splash water on his face and catch his breath. The moment he’s out of sight, Cesar’s mind starts reeling, desperate for answers, torturing himself to know what to do. There has to be something he can do.

And then it figures it out, just like that. Like the pull of a trigger. He almost stumbles, reeling backwards like he’s feeling the impact of what he’s going to do. But he knows it’s the only way. 

He leaves Chivo’s before Ruby can stop him, puts his phone on ‘do not disturb’ -- the only way he can ignore Ruby’s text messages without the nauseating guilt that accompanies each reply he doesn’t send. Maybe this is the dumbest thing he’s ever decided to do but if it fixes everything, if it saves Ruby, then fuck it. It has to be done.

* * *

His trainwreck of a plan fails, damn near gets him killed in the process. He has to lay low while he plans out his next move; he lets his phone die so he isn’t tempted to reach out to Ruby. He can’t risk it, not while he’s still figuring things out.

In a fit of desperation, he seeks out his brother. He expects to be turned away, to kiss pavement when he throws him out. What he doesn’t expect is Oscar having a Hail Mary plan of his own. One that’s so crazy, it has to work.

It just has to.

* * *

And it does. Somehow, a miracle allows their cockamamie scheme to be pulled off with no casualties. Cesar still can’t believe it when he’s driving back home with Oscar -- back to _his_ home. He can’t believe that he’s going _home_. 

But not yet. First, he has to go somewhere more important. 

Waiting until Oscar falls asleep is torturous; he swears the clock on their wall is ticking backwards in the time it takes for him to be able to safely sneak out of the house. Figures his first night home and he’s doing all he can to get out of the house. But he has tunnel vision, all of his thoughts and energy channeled towards one thing, one person. 

He makes it to the Martinez house in what he believes is record time, though he barely remembers leaving his own front lawn before he realizes where he is, standing outside of Ruby’s bedroom window. His hands shake as he knocks on the glass, anxiety making him rock on his heels. He feels jittery inside and out, the feeling only increasing when he hears a tired voice say, “Guys, I already said I don’t want to talk.” Cesar knocks again, anxiety making his fits pound harder, faster. He hears Ruby groan and the telltale sound of him getting out of bed, cursing under his breath as he does. Cesar’s stomach is doing flips.

“Why can’t you guys just-” Ruby stops more abruptly than a car slamming on its breaks. He stands at his window, completely dumbfounded by the sight of Cesar. It’s only been a few hours but it felt more like a lifetime and Cesar can feel tears brimming in his eyes at the sight of Ruby. 

His throat is dry, he can’t say anything yet. Luckily Ruby seems to get the hint and he opens his window almost right away, taking a step back once he does so Cesar can climb inside. He takes the invitation as soon as it’s presented to him and the moment the soles of his shoes touch Ruby’s carpet, he throws his arms around him in a bone crushing embrace. Ruby squeezes him just as tight. 

“I’m here,” he whispers, not sure if he’s reassuring Ruby or himself. “I’m here, I’m here.”

“How?” Ruby’s voice sounds strangled, choked up. Cesar prays he doesn’t start to cry because if he does, then there’s no hope for him.

“It’s a long story,” Cesar tells him. “Spooky’s gonna invite you guys over tomorrow and explain everything. But I - I couldn’t wait until then, I needed to see you now.”

Ruby exhales slowly, like he’s trying to keep himself from passing out. Cesar can tell he doesn’t understand what he’s talking about or how he’s even here right now, but Ruby’s too overwhelmed to ask questions. Instead, he just focuses on hugging Cesar. “I was so _scared_ ,” he whispers into his chest. “I - _fuck_ , Cesar.”

Cesar shushes him. “I know, _querido_.” He kisses Ruby’s forehead, his cheek, everywhere he can reach until he can feel Ruby relax in his arms. “I know. But I’m here now, and it’s okay.” And for the first time in a long time, those words don’t feel like a lie. “Everything is okay.”

They stay like that for so long, time stops existing altogether. It could’ve been minutes or hours but the two don’t let go of each other for even a second. Cesar’s fairly certain that Ruby can feel the pounding of his heart with how close they’re pressed together. “I wanna tell people,” he whispers into Ruby’s hair, breaking the silence the two created. His words nearly made his knees buckle; he hadn’t planned on saying this, on bringing up _he and Ruby_ in a time like this. Hell, he had no idea this was what he wanted but giving life to the idea makes him realize that it’s the only thing he wants half as much as he wants Ruby. “I don’t care about what my brother will think or if your family hates me. I love you and I _want_ people to know.”

He can practically feel the shock in Ruby’s body as he pulls away, his hands still holding onto Cesar’s waist like if he lets go, he’ll disappear; like this is all a dream he can’t stop clinging to. “You want what?” he asks, disbelief laced throughout his words. But he doesn’t sound completely opposed to the idea and that’s enough that it gives Cesar the courage to speak up. 

“I want you,” he starts. “All the time. And I want you to be mine.” He still can’t say the ‘b’-friend word, just thinking about it is hard enough, saying it seems like as probably as snow in California. “And I don’t want to hide. You don't deserve to be hidden.” He cups Ruby’s cheek and sighs in relief when he leans into the touch. “I spent so long hiding,” he whispers. “Pretending I didn’t love you the way that I do. I don’t want to hide anymore and I don’t want to keep pretending. Life’s too short.”

The silence that follows is agonizing and he’s already begun going through every stage of grief in his mind, until Ruby whispers those three little words that he’d been dying to hear: “Life’s too short.”

* * *

Life’s a bitch. 

One minute, he’s shyly taking Ruby’s hand in his as they stand before Jamal and Monse, ready to tell them what the two of them have been keeping to themselves for the past few months. And the next, someone’s throwing a bag over their heads and hauling them in the back of a van. _What the fuck?_ doesn't even begin to cover it. 

Maybe it’s a warning from the universe, that if they tell people all hell is going to break loose. Maybe it’s his shitty luck rearing its ugly head again, or his karmic energy still totally out of whack. Or maybe for once this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Whatever the reasoning behind this bout of bullshit that they’ll now have to deal with, at least one thing is certain: 

If he’s going to die, then at least he’ll die with Ruby by his side.


	3. iii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was. really hard for me to write for a lot of reasons but it’s finally here and i am so thankful for everyone who read this :’) especially tianna who this fic belongs to even more than it belongs to me. ily my ride or die ❤️

Fight or flight. It’s an instinct instilled in all of us, one we don’t even think about until the moment arises and we have only those two choices laid out in front of us. Until there’s only one of two things we can do -- to throw yourself in the face of danger, teeth bared, a “check under my fingernails after I’m gone” mentality in the forefront of your mind; or to back down, to submit, to comply, to run and hide, to protect yourself in one of the only ways you know how to. One is safer, smarter, the other just plain stupid. And sometimes it’s hard to know which is which.

For as long as he can remember, Cesar has only known fight or flight. Sometimes it’s triggered by someone knocking too loudly on his front door, although the urge to run and hide under his bed is replaced by him trying to remember where Oscar hides his gun. Sometimes it’s brought on by someone grabbing his hand and he finds himself resisting the urge to kick and scream and thrash about; he didn’t fight then but he can fight now. 

Cesar used to be so docile. When he was younger, before his rose-colored glasses were thrown to the ground and stepped on. Before his brother was arrested and he was forced to grow up way too fast while being raised by a group of men who also had to grow up too fast. Before he was jumped in, before he was homeless, before he was almost a murderer twice, before before before. 

Sometimes he wishes he was still that person -- someone who was able to see good things where there were none, someone who wasn’t afraid to ask for help or admit that he needed someone to lean on. He wonders if that person is long gone, if there’s no hope for him being that ever again. He wonders if this is who he is now; skinned knees and broken ribs and black eyes and bruised skin. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be soft again.

But now, right now, is one of those rare moments where he’s thankful that he’s turning into a fighter. 

It takes him a moment to realize what exactly is going on and where he is, but he doesn’t dwell on it too long. The moment he’s thrown into the back of the van, he’s scrambling up to his feet, ready to charge towards the door. The only problem is he trips over Jamal and Ruby in the process and with the bag still on his head, he can’t move as swiftly as he had hoped. When the van comes to an abrupt stop, he tries again, getting up and crawling to where the door is. This time he’s stopped by Monse’s body being pushed inside, the two of them colliding and falling. The door is slammed shut before he can even consider trying for a third time. 

Someone’s screaming, someone’s crying, someone’s cursing but Cesar is mute. He wonders if he’s falling back into his childhood habit of clamming up when everything gets to be Too Much but he quickly shakes himself out of it. Now’s not the time for shutting down; he has to do _something_. 

With everyone panicking, it takes him longer than it should for him to realize that his hands are completely free. He yanks the bag off of his head right away and almost feels lightheaded with the rush of air he swallows. Instantly, as if on autopilot, he moves to Ruby and pulls the bag from his head. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he says in a rush, hoping Ruby can hear him over his own panicked gasps and dry sobs. “I’m here, Ruby. _Te tengo, amor._. I’ve got you.” His hands move as fast as his mouth, going from holding Ruby’s shoulders to cupping his face in his hands to pulling him into his arms.

“What the fuck is going on?” Ruby finally manages to speak, his voice shaky and hoarse. He sounds so scared. 

Cesar holds him tighter. “I don’t know,” he admits. “But I won’t let anything happen to you, okay? I promise, _mi vida_.” He presses a kiss to the side of Ruby’s head before reluctantly pulling away from him to free Monse and Jamal when he realizes they’ve still got the bags on their heads. Ruby follows his lead, his shaky hands going to help Jamal while he helps Monse. 

“What the _fuck_?” is the first thing Jamal says when his head is free.

Monse has tears running down her face. “What is going on?” she asks like any of them have the faintest idea as to what’s happening to them.

“It’s gonna be okay,” is all Cesar says. He’s running on adrenaline, half contemplating busting the windows and barrel rolling onto the street -- but he can’t leave his friends. He won’t forgive himself if anything happened to them. Again. “We - we’ll be okay.”

“ _Okay_?” Monse asks, her voice shrill and terrified, eyes wide and her whole body shaking. “Cesar, we’ve been _kidnapped_ for fuck’s sake!”

“I know,” Cesar replies, breathless as he tries to keep a level head. Oscar always taught him never to panic, to stay in the moment and to focus. It’ll keep you alive longer. “I - I know. But it’s going - we’re going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it, okay? I’ll protect you guys.”

“C, you can’t promise something like that,” Jamal tells him and Cesar tries to ignore the stab of pain he feels in his chest at his friend’s words. “We don’t know where we’re going or who we’re with or why this is happening.”

“I don’t care,” Cesar snaps. When Ruby flinches, he forces himself to calm down, his tone softer as he says, “I’m not letting anything happening to you guys.” Neither Jamal, Monse, nor Ruby say anything and Cesar wonders if they’re thinking the same things he is -- if he really _can_ promise something like that.

* * *

They drive around for so long that Cesar gives up on trying to determine what directions they’re going in. The windows in the van are blacked out; there’s no seeing in or out of them. Everyone’s phones somehow were taken right off of their bodies, that’s how Cesar knows whoever these people are, they aren’t amateurs. They know what they’re doing and that scares him. 

The back of the van is spacious but the four of them sit pressed tightly together, holding onto each other. Cesar’s face is buried in Ruby’s neck and he keeps himself calm by breathing in his scent. He takes deep breaths, slow and long, but it doesn’t do much to ease the tightness in his chest. He reaches for Ruby’s hand and squeezes it as soon as their fingers interlock. Ruby squeezes his hand back but doesn’t relax his grip. Cesar doesn’t blame him. 

Finally, the van comes to a stop and after a moment they hear doors opening and slamming shut. “The bags!” Cesar hisses, grabbing the bag and throwing it back over his head. He doesn’t want to know what’ll happen if they’re found in a different state than when they were first grabbed. Oscar’s words “use your head before someone puts a bullet in it” ring in his ears as he forces himself to be still and calm and quiet; he knows he can’t do anything that could risk them getting hurt. 

They’re grabbed again, no less rougher than the first time, and though they’re forced to their feet, they’re dragged more so than allowed to walk. Cesar hears someone whimper, knows in his gut that it’s Ruby, and upon instinct, he thrashes about trying to get to him. He receives a swift smack in the back of the head for his insolence, grits his teeth at the pain, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of yet another reaction. 

“ _Solo quédate quieto y cállate,_ ” a gruff voice says. Shivers run down Cesar’s spine. He prays to whoever is listening that they make it out of this alive -- or at least, that his friends do.

* * *

A pair of hands clap loudly and the bags are roughly ripped off of their heads. Gasping, Cesar turns to look at Jamal, Monse, and Ruby. They all seem fine -- sweaty and shaken up -- but unharmed nonetheless. He exhales slowly, thankful. 

Then he looks towards the person responsible for their capture. Cesar recognizes the woman seated before them; her bougie fit and shiny jewelry look all too familiar. He can vaguely recall the feeling of her rings raking through his hair when he realizes that he’s seen her around his house a few times when he was younger, with Oscar more than their mother. When she speaks to them, her voice opens the filing cabinet in his mind he thought was locked and it isn’t until he hears himself speaking that he realizes who she is. “Cuchillos. Heir to the Santos.” His mom and Oscar only ever called her _doña_ to her face, not out of respect but out of fear. Even when she wasn’t around, Oscar never let himself speak ill of her; he once told Cesar that she has _ojos_ and _orejas_ everywhere.

When she says, “So, you’re smarter than you look,” to him, Cesar tenses up. He should be used to people assuming he’s dumb, but for some reason hearing it be implied that he’s stupid, in front of his friends nonetheless, by the woman who is technically his boss ignites something inside of him. He bites his lip hard enough to taste blood and focuses on the taste of pennies in his mouth to keep him from speaking out of turn. He was raised, for the most part, not to speak ill of anyone but this _vieja_ is a real _pesadilla._. 

Monse asks “ _Cuchillos_? As in _knives_?” and Cesar wants to roll his eyes. Everyone in the life has a name bestowed upon them and nine times out of ten, they’re terribly cringe-y (i.e. Sad Eyes -- seriously, what is that supposed to mean anyway?) and/or terribly tryhard (i.e. Spooky -- not that he would ever dare to suggest that to his brother in person but he can’t deny that his nickname is. Bad.). Cuchillos is clearly no exception. 

Her voice commands them to listen, something underlyingly threatening about her tone but not so outright that it’s easy to overlook -- unless you know what to listen for. Cesar’s been hearing voices like this for years; the way someone talks to you say a lot about them. Cuchillos has a motive, obviously she does; she wouldn’t have taken them for no reason. And it’s only a matter of time --

“Lil Ricky is alive.”

Well. That happened faster than he thought it would. A brief thought of _why does this matter to me?_ flashes through his mind only to be silenced as soon as Cuchillos tells them that they are going to find him. Cesar and his friends. Three fourteen year olds and a fifteen year old are going to find a long lost, presumably dead gangbanger. 

Yeah, what could go wrong? 

(Aside from everything.)

Cuchillos isn’t convinced, for some reason she thinks this is a foolproof operation -- then again, she’s entrusting this operation to a bunch of kids in the first place, so it’s really no surprise that she isn’t concerned about the possible outcomes. Selfish, just like a Santo. 

She goes on to explain to them how she knows Lil Ricky is alive and out there, a hint of desperation in her voice as she tells them that she just knows he’s out there. “He was, _is_ , the love of my life,” Cuchillos tells them and Cesar’s heart skips a beat. He looks over to Ruby and his heart skips again to find that Ruby is already turning to look at him. “I need him to know,” Cuchillos continues but Cesar’s already tuned her out, wondering if Cuchillos’ words have Ruby thinking the same thing he is. Part of him thinks that he is and he’s a little terrified but more exhilarated than anything. And him being so exhilarated about having a love so deep reciprocated like this sort of terrifies him too. 

Cesar knows that now definitely is not the time to be thinking about if he really has found the love of his life, if he’s really been the person who’s been a constant in his life since day one in kindergarten. But his mind is growing more consumed with thoughts of Ruby than thinking about Cuchillos’ recon mission -- and it can’t be. He has to focus on what she wants, especially when she says that she wants Lil Ricky found by August. Especially since there are dudes posted up with guns all around them.

“Look, we want to help,” he tells her, hoping she doesn’t figure out that he’s lying through his teeth. “But what if, at some point, some of those Prophet$ are released and they connect me with the bad money? They’re going to be after us.” He forces his voice to remain steady; he has to be strong for his friends, has to keep his composure for them.

“Cesar, Cesar, Cesar,” he doesn’t like the way she says his name; it reminds him of Oscar being young and him being younger and being called _papacito_ in the same tone. He didn’t like it then either but never quite knew why. “You’re all safe from retribution,” she tells him. “There is no threat.” The way she says it has him thinking that isn’t all too true. “So you can get started immediately, and you should,” she continues. “August is around the corner.”

“Hold on,” Monse speaks up. “I start my new school in July.”

“Great,” Cuchillos tells them in a voice that implies it’s great for her and not for them. “Then July it is.”

* * *

It’s dark by the time they’re dropped off back in Freeridge, the moon high and huge in the sky above their heads. They’re still holding their school bags and it’s amazing that just a few hours ago, they were attending their classes, their biggest problems being an upcoming test and Monse wanting to leave to the other side of the country. 

Monse stalks off a few moments afterwards, clearly still pissed at the three of them for not taking her words seriously, and Ruby’s face looks whiter than a _gringo_. “You okay?” Cesar asks him softly and when Ruby flinches, it makes his chest ache. 

Ruby nods, rigid and tense and stiff; chest heaving as he tries to steady his breathing. Cesar puts his hand on the small of Ruby’s back. “You want me to walk you home?” he asks.

It takes Ruby a couple of seconds to reply; Cesar watches as he pulls himself out of the depths of his mind and back to reality. “I’m good,” he says and Cesar deflates a little.

“Are you sure?” he asks slowly, not wanting to push Ruby but hoping he picks up on his tone and how badly he doesn’t want to separate from him yet. 

“Yeah,” Ruby finally looks at him, the fear in his eyes brighter than the brown irises that Cesar loves so much. 

“I -” Cesar stops himself from saying anything more when he remembers that Jamal is still with them, curiously watching the two of them. He settles on, “Text me, okay?” When Ruby concedes, he finally lets him go.

* * *

Jamal comes with him as he walks home, the pair walking in a silence that feels very “elephant in the room” but Cesar can’t quite figure out why. Until finally Jamal blurts out, “You aren’t okay with it, are you?”

Cesar glances at him. “You mean Cuchillos?”

“No,” Jamal hesitates before saying, “I meant with Ruby walking home alone.”

Cesar stills, nearly falls over with how abruptly he stops. Takes a deep breath, quietly, reminds himself that Jamal isn’t asking what he thinks he is, and finally says, “I just want to make sure he’s safe. All of you, not just him.” Jamal hums, nodding his head, and Cesar asks him, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like,” something uncomfortable coils in the pit of his stomach. “Like there’s something else you want to ask me.”

Jamal has the gal to look guilty as he glances away and shrugs. “You’ve just been a little off lately, even before this shit with Cuchillos,” he tells him. Cesar breaks out in a cold sweat, forgets how to breathe for a second. “It’s like you’ve had something on your mind,” Jamal continues. “Like there’s something… distracting you. It’s just something I’ve noticed the last few weeks.”

Weeks? Cesar’s really been so unsubtle for this long and even _he_ didn’t realize that? He takes another slow, deep breath, reminding him that Jamal isn’t implying anything in particular, that he doesn’t know about him and Ruby, that he doesn’t know _anything_. And he doesn’t have to.

“You know,” Jamal says quietly when they start walking again. “You can tell me anything. What’re best friends for, right?”

Shit. Cesar can’t help but feel guilty for keeping a secret like this, even though deep down he knows this isn’t something he has to tell Jamal, or anyone for that matter. What happens between him and Ruby is only their business, no one else needs to know and there’s a reason why they’ve kept it to themselves, so many reasons.

But. Maybe there’s something he _can_ tell Jamal. Just the thought of it has his heart racing so much that he can’t catch his breath and has to stop walking again. Jamal turns around when he notices that he’s walking alone and looks at him. “C? You good, bro?”

Cesar swallows thickly, stuffs his shaking hands in his jeans pockets. Nausea sweeps over him and he has to force himself to stay standing instead of succumbing to the urge to drop down and curl into himself. He can do this, he _can_ do this. His voice is barely above a whisper as he says, “I… I think I’m…” 

Jamal takes a few steps closer. “You think you’re…?” he doesn’t sound impatient, just curious, maybe a little anxious.

He swallows again, his throat suddenly dry and everything he wants to say seemingly impossible to even consider saying. But he wants to, he _wants_ someone to know; hadn’t realized how badly he actually wanted to say something to someone before now. “I,” he starts slowly, his words forming around each word so carefully as if he’s learning to speak for the first time. “I like…” He finds himself whispering again as he says what he’s been trying to say. “I like boys.”

“Oh,” Jamal blinks, surprised, and Cesar’s heart starts hammering so fucking fast he wonders if he’s having something opposite of a heart attack, instead of death by his heart stopping he’s going to die by it beating too much. The seconds of silence that follow are painful, excruciating, but Jamal speaks up once again, “Oh. Okay, so you’re gay? No big deal.”

“No!” Cesar blurts out before Jamal can even finish what he’s saying. His face and neck burn and he’s thankful for the darkness around them before he’s certain he’s red as hell. “No, I’m not - I’m not gay. I - I just…” he trails off, his momentum gone as soon as it had arrived. “I’m sorry,” he just whispers meekly.

“What? Hey, no, no, no,” Jamal closes the gap between them and pulls Cesar into a hug. Cesar tenses up at first but when Jamal says, “You have nothing to apologize for. This isn’t something you have to be sorry about,” he allows himself to relax and he wraps his arms around Jamal in return. “Like I said, C, it's no big deal if you’re gay, straight, bi, queer.” Jamal pulls away to look at him, his face is suddenly serious. “As long as you aren’t a Republican.”

Cesar laughs, a little too loud, a little too nervous. But he can feel all the tension that once filled him from head to toe finally melting away.

* * *

“How could you not give us a head up?” Jamal demands when he and Cesar are seated in his living room with Oscar. 

“Yo, chill, Jamal,” Cesar nudges him; he can’t help but to stand up for his brother. “She’s his boss, he was probably under orders not to.”

“I knew she wanted to see you,” Oscar tells them. Cesar looks at him as he speaks, curiously watching him as he continues, “But she didn’t give me any details why.” The way he says it makes Cesar uneasy; there’s something in the way he says it, like he’s not saying something but somehow is saying everything. Oscar continues as if Cesar isn’t trying to analyze him. “She said Lil Ricky’s alive?” he asks. “He’s been dead for decades.”

“I don’t think she would’ve told us he was alive if he wasn’t,” Jamal insists.

“I don’t think you know what she would or wouldn’t say,” Oscar counters. 

“‘Cause that bitch be bonkers?” Jamal asks. Cesar has to stop himself from laughing at his tone.

“I wouldn’t say that about her,” Oscar says, his voice serious and stern. “She’s not someone to disrespect.” The way he says that reminds Cesar of being really young, when _doña_ would stop by the house and Oscar always told him to be seen and not heard; don’t speak unless spoken to. Sometimes, when he knew she was coming by, Oscar would tell Cesar to stay in his room and stay quiet, promising him McDonalds if he obeyed. “But there is one way to find out if she says what she means,” Oscar speaks again, snapping Cesar out of his memories. “Let’s see if Lil Ricky’s really dead.”

“What are you suggesting?” Cesar asks slowly, already anticipating what Oscar is going to suggest. 

“We dig up his grave,” Oscar replies in a very cut and dry way. Cesar’s stomach drops; that’s exactly what he was afraid Oscar was going to say.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking!” Jamal exclaims.

Cesar rolls his eyes. “Oh, come on. It was?”

“Yup! I have the perfect bag for this,” Jamal starts chattering on, way too excited about the idea of exhuming a body, which makes Cesar wonder if he’s really grasping the severity of this; if he understands that this is real and not a movie. Then he’s up to his feet, running out of the Diaz house to prepare for meeting the brothers at the cemetery. 

When he’s gone, Cesar thinks about his brother, about the way he answered his and Jamal’s questions about Cuchillos wanting to see them, and he speaks up. “She didn’t tell you… did she?” 

Oscar doesn’t say anything, but his silence is enough of an answer for him. Cesar glances at Oscar. “I’m okay,” he tells him in what he hopes is convincing, because he really looks like he needs to hear that. He can see Oscar’s exterior start to fade away. “I’m a little shaken up but I’m okay.” Cesar hesitates, then gets up off the couch and launches himself into his Oscar’s arms before he even really realizes what he’s doing. Oscar goes still, probably from the shock of Cesar hugging him, willingly, for the first time in years, but Cesar just holds onto him until he relaxes and returns the hug. Cesar feels like he could cry, not realizing how badly he just needed to be held by his big brother like this. The two of them stay like that, wordlessly holding each other, until a knock on their front door pulls them apart.

* * *

“Thanks for letting me sleep here,” Monse says as she settles into Cesar’s bed. “And staying with me.”

Cesar lays down next to her, says, “Jamal and Spooky don’t need me, so it’s cool.” Monse pulls his blanket up over her body and he can practically feel the anxiety radiating off of her. She finally stills, but she’s not relaxed and Cesar tells her, “Nothing’s gonna happen.” Monse turns and the two look at each other. “I got you,” he tells her, sincerely. She exhales slowly, rolling over to lay on her side, and Cesar’s mind starts racing in the silence. He knows he should be more focused on Cuchillos but he can’t stop his mind from going back to his conversation with Jamal, to thinking about Ruby and wondering if he’s okay and wishing he was with him.

Before he can realize what he’s doing, he quietly asks Monse, “Can I tell you something?” 

Monse rolls over, turning to face him but he keeps his eyes focused on the ceiling. “Sure. What’s up?”

He feels like a leaf in a storm; he’s trembling from the inside out and all he wants is Ruby. Ruby gives him strength and courage. He closes his eyes, imagining him here with him, and he realizes he’s been quiet for much too long when Monse asks, “C? What’s going on?”

Cesar exhales slowly, trying to breathe out the anxiety holding him hostage in his chest. “I’m,” he starts and fails, the words gone as soon as they leave his lips and his courage leaving just as easily. “I’m -” he tries again, then finally forces himself just to blurt out, “I’m not straight.” 

Next to him, Monse sits up. He feels rather than sees her move so quickly he’s the one who gets a head rush from it. “You’re - wait, what?” she stutters. 

“Yeah,” he whispers. He still can’t look at her, his eyes squeezed shut and his hands clenched into fists so she can’t see how much they’re shaking. “I’m not - I’m not _gay_ ,” he says quickly, not sure why he has to make that clarification. “But. I’m not straight either. I like…” he can’t bring himself to say it, _I like boys, I like girls, I like people, I like Ruby._ His heart pounds so hard and his ears are ringing so loud he’s gone momentarily deaf. With his eyes shut, he can’t gauge Monse’s reaction but he’s more anxious than he is curious.

A beat passes, then Monse’s grabbing his hands, says, “Hey,” and waits for him to look at her. “I love you,” she says once his eyes are open. She offers him a small smile, gives his hands a squeeze, and tells him, “Not because you’re straight or because you’re not straight, but because you’re you. And nothing is going to change that, C.” She squeezes his hand again and softly says, “You’re still Cesar regardless of who you like.”

There’s a burning in his eyes and he blinks rapidly a few times just to make sure they stay dry. Has to swallow down this wounded animal noise that’s trying to claw its way up his throat. “Thank you,” he whispers hoarsely when he’s confident that nothing akin to a whimper or whine will come out instead. When Monse lays back down, she kisses his cheek and settles back into his bed; nothing more needs to be said. There’s a weight lifted off of Cesar’s chest and finally, he can breathe again.

* * *

He wakes up in the middle of the night when Oscar comes home covered in dirt and filth. Cesar doesn’t ask, decides that this is a conversation meant for morning. Instead, he does what he does best when he can’t sleep: he texts Ruby. 

_‘You okay, compa?’_

Ruby texts back almost right away; Cesar can’t help but to worry, wondering why he’s awake. _‘I’m not sure.’_ More worry gnaws at his gut. _‘How are you?’_

_‘Same.’_ Cesar waits a minute before sending another text, _‘I sort of came out to Jamal and Monse tonight.’_

_‘Holy shit no way???’_

He exhales slowly, relieved when he can practically feel Ruby’s energy through his phone. Makes him think that for a moment, for right now, nothing’s changed. _‘Yeah lmao I didn’t plan on it, it just sort of… happened.’_ He adds, _‘I’m still shaking a little from it’_ because if anyone gets to see him this vulnerable, it’s Ruby. 

Ruby’s reply comes seconds later. _‘Fuck I’m so proud of you, mi vida.’_ Cesar gets butterflies in his stomach whenever Ruby calls him that, every time feeling like the first time all over again. Makes him fall in love with Ruby all over again. 

Cesar doesn’t know what to say next so he says what he’s thinking: _‘Te quiero.’_ And almost immediately, Ruby replies: _‘Te quiero mucho.’_

* * *

They realize quickly that they aren’t going to be able to find Lil Ricky on their own. Monse concedes when she realizes that being mad at the boys isn’t going to guarantee her safety any more than removing herself from the equation that Cuchillos put them in will; she’s back on board, though reluctantly. It’s his idea to recruit Jasmine for their makeshift team. Maybe between the five of them, they’ll actually be able to pull this pseudo bounty hunter mission off. Maybe. 

They pull an allnighter at Jasmine’s place, going over her various bits of gathered evidence (among other things) and attempting to come up with conclusions, plans, anything they can think of that’ll get them where they need to be. Mostly they just hit a lot of deadends, and of course they do; if it was easy finding a presumed dead gangbanger who clearly does not want to be found, Cuhillos could’ve done it on her own.

It’s not like he doesn’t realize the severity of the situation but a part of him, a selfish part, just wants to be alone with Ruby. There’s so much he wants to talk about with him, but mostly he just wants to check in and make sure he’s doing okay. Ruby’s been _off_ ever since their encounter with Cuchillos; more anxious than usual. It breaks Cesar’s heart that he can’t do anything -- yet. All he needs is to get him alone. 

Jasmine finally releases them close to six in the morning; Monse hangs back at Jasmine’s, leaving the boys to their own devices. Jamal takes off towards his house right away, mumbling something about Jasmine and her batshit crazy ways hindering the investigation. He’s so in his own head that he doesn’t notice Cesar gently taking Ruby’s hand, pulling him off course and sneaking away from him. 

“Hey,” Cesar says softly, his hand moving up to hold Ruby’s shoulder. He’s tense, more than usual, and Cesar offers his bicep a gentle squeeze. 

Ruby offers a small smile in reply, pushing himself up on his toes to press a kiss to Cesar’s lips. “Hi,” he whispers when he pulls away, still close enough that Cesar can feel his breath tickling his skin. Goosebumps pop up all over his body and he suppresses a shiver. 

Cesar cards a hand through Ruby’s hair. Murmurs, “M’worried about you,” because he is, because he spent too long being dishonest with Ruby to give into the fear of sounding stupid or whatever, because he wants Ruby to remember that he _has_ him; that now and forever, come what may, he has him.

Ruby reaches for his hand, brings it over to his mouth and kisses his fingers so sweet and slow. “I’ll be okay,” he promises softly between kisses. He rests Cesar’s palm against his cheek and leans into the touch. “I’m just. A little shaken up still. This is all…” he trails off and Cesar sighs.

“I know,” he says. Part of him blames himself, if he goes back far enough into their timeline, he’s at the beginning of all of their problems. 

“Hey,” Ruby says gently, like he can tell what Cesar’s thinking. “It’s gonna be alright,” he tells him and god, Cesar really wants to believe him. “I love you,” he says a moment later. 

Cesar breathes. That is definitely something he can believe. “I love you too,” he says. “I’m not gonna let anything happen to you, okay? I got you, _querido_.” A surge of want crashes over him like a wave and he finds himself whispering, “C’mere,” taking Ruby’s hand and pulling him after him.

“Where are we going?” Ruby asks, but there’s a hint of laughter in his voice that makes Cesar’s heart swell.

“Somewhere we can be alone,” Cesar tells him, finally settling on an abandoned alleyway in between both of their houses; the perfect place for them to settle together before having to go their separate ways. He gently pushes Ruby’s back against the brick wall behind him and kisses him, long and slow and needy, so damn needy. It feels like it’s been ages since they’ve gotten their hands on each other. 

And Ruby kisses back, with just as much gusto as Cesar kisses him, his hands grasping at his shirt and pulling him in towards him, as if he can’t get him close enough. Cesar’s body meshes against Ruby’s so perfectly -- it makes him think of an old myth he once read about and now he’s considering the fact that maybe Zeus really had severed the two of them in half and now they’re finding themselves back together again; they just _fit_ , maybe like they were meant to.

With their bodies so close and tight together, it makes it easy for Cesar to snake a hand towards the front of Ruby’s jeans, his other hand holding his cheek lovingly while they kiss. The sound of his zipper sliding down makes Cesar shiver in anticipation and he whispers against Ruby’s lips, “This okay?”

“Be quick, yeah?” Ruby whispers in reply, his hands going towards Cesar’s shorts as he speaks. “We still have to get ready for school, y’know.” Cesar teasingly rolls his eyes, huffs out a laugh at Ruby’s words. Then Ruby asks, “Can I?” before licking his lips and looking at Cesar hungrily, eyes wide and pupils blown out. Fuck, he wants this as much as Cesar does and that makes all of the blood in his body rush south.

“Please,” Cesar whispers before he can stop himself. He looks over his shoulder, just to make sure they really are alone because if they’re going to be dumb enough to do this in broad daylight, they’ve got to be smart enough to make sure there aren’t any lingering eyes on them. He knows they should wait until after school, at least, or maybe even during school where they can be in a room with a lock on the door and shades that draw shut. But now that he’s gotten just the smallest taste of Ruby, he’s craving so much more. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop craving Ruby.

* * *

When he gets back to his street, the inside of his shorts and boxers are clammy and his face is still flushed but his heartbeat is finally starting to slow down. That is until he sees someone standing across the street from his house, watching the front door until his gaze lands on Cesar as he walks past. They lock eyes for a moment, Cesar can’t look away as he heads home, heart pounding faster yet again but nothing like it was before; this time it’s out of fear. 

It’s a familiar fear, almost like deja vu. Almost nostalgic. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like he’s three years old again as he runs inside to tell Oscar that there’s someone posted up outside. He finds out just moments later that the man lurking outside of his house is his father and he can’t seem to shake the weird feeling that followed Oscar telling him. It follows him into the shower where he ponders how his life got to the point where getting a handjob from Ruby Martinez became more normal to him than seeing his father. It all feels very _Twilight Zone_ -y. 

The tension in his house is almost unbearable and for a second, he considers heading to school just to get away from it. But part of him feels drawn to Ray, almost like there’s a magnetic pull he has over him, and sure enough, Cesar’s sitting down on the couch next to Oscar, making small talk with his father. Small talk becomes plans to hang out after school and as he leaves, the handjob from Ruby is still the more normal part of how his day has gone so far.

* * *

_‘I’m nervous,’_ he texts Ruby after school on his walk to Dwayne’s. Ruby and Jamal are on their way to Chivo’s and Cesar is on his way to an early dinner with his dad. He’s starting to wish he went with them to Chivo’s instead. _‘What if he doesn’t like me?’_

_‘You’re joking, right?’_ comes Ruby's reply. _‘What’s not to like?’_

Cesar hopes his eye roll comes across in his next text; _‘Well you’re pretty biased, don’t you think?’_

_‘Querido if anyone would tell you that you ain’t shit, it’s me.’_ Cesar snorts out a laugh against his will. He goes to type a reply but he gets another text from Ruby. _‘Seriously though, everything is going to be fine. Worse comes to worse, he goes to Bakersfield and you don’t have to deal with him anymore.’_

Cesar stops walking to hem and haw on what he’s about to type, before finally admitting to Ruby _‘But what if I want to deal with him?’_

It takes a few seconds for Ruby to answer; _‘I get that. He’s your dad and it makes sense that you want to get to know him or have a relationship with him. Especially considering you never got the chance to before now. Just be careful, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.’_

Cesar’s lips curl up involuntarily. _‘Eres dulce mi amor.’_

_‘I know.’_ comes Ruby’s next reply and Cesar rolls his eyes, ready to call him annoying when he gets another text from him: _‘We’re pulling up now. Text me later and tell me how it goes. Love you.’_

Cesar sighs, types to Ruby _‘Same to you. Love you too.’_ and looks at his fate in the form of a barbeque joint. It’s now or never.

* * *

_‘It actually went… well?’’_ Cesar still can’t believe the afternoon with his father -- Ray -- he still isn’t sure what to call him, partially because the only person he’s ever called “dad” over the past fifteen years has been Oscar and calling someone else “dad” feels like a betrayal. But he tries to focus on the good things that have come since Ray’s arrival, though his time with Cesar has been short, he’s already spent the afternoon and most of the evening talking to him and playing catch up, and now Ray has a job. Maybe the universe or fate or God or whatever is finally turning things around for him.

_‘I think Oscar’s mad at me though’_ he texts Ruby next after filling him in on everything since they last spoke. He never thought he’d be the type of person constantly missing talking to someone and craving their next interaction, but Ruby has taught him a lot of things about himself. He’s brought out parts of him that he never knew he could embrace and even better, Ruby doesn’t shame him for those things. He doesn’t make him feel bad for being clingy or insecure; sure, he’ll drag him occasionally and poke fun at him when it’s a less serious situation but overall, he allows Cesar to be vulnerable. For the first time, maybe in his life, the wall Cesar has built up may be coming down, brick by brick. 

_‘He’s never talked about your dad before this?’_ Ruby asks in text. 

_‘He doesn’t talk about mom or dad,’_ Cesar types to him. _‘I guess it’s always been easier to pretend they didn’t exist than to deal with the truth. And the truth is they both left us. We weren’t worth sticking around. But Ray came back. That has to mean something, right?’_ He doesn’t even bother to reread his text before sending it; he’s painfully aware of how desperate and pathetic he sounds. 

_‘It definitely means something,’_ Ruby replies and even through text message, Cesar can hear how careful he’s trying to sound, as if he’s trying on the words before he says them so he doesn’t say the wrong thing. _‘But I meant what I said before. I just don’t want you getting hurt, C.’_

Cesar sighs heavily. _‘Yeah, I know.’_

_‘Sorry,’_ Ruby types and Cesar’s eyebrows knit together in confusion until he reads his next text, _‘I wish I knew what to say or do to make this easier on you.’_

And just like that, Cesar is melting melting melting. If this were a cartoon, he would have little hearts dancing above his head and in his eyes. _‘The fact that you’re listening to me talk about this is more than enough, mi vida. I appreciate that and you so much. Don’t worry about fixing this, it isn’t your job to.’_

_‘Wish it was. I like taking care of you, I’m good at it.’_ Ruby adds a winking face emoji and a cry laughing one, and Cesar rolls his eyes. 

_‘You would definitely be employee of the month,’_ he types back. _‘That’s for sure.’_

_‘Will I get a raise in this position?’_

_‘We can negotiate one. What would you like?”_

_‘You.’_

One word, three little letters, and he’s every cliche in the world: smile so wide his face hurts, eyes watering with emotion, heart racing, palms sweaty, stomach doing flips. Cesar learns right then and there that there is no one who will ever own his heart the way Ruby does. And he doesn’t think he wants anyone else to. Because maybe there’s no one else for him. Maybe he’s found his Person, maybe he found him on day one in kindergarten and ever since then, he’s just been falling for him more and more, little by little, day by day. Maybe he’s taken.

* * *

Summer Night Lights. He’d never admit it but Cesar has been waiting for this night for weeks; ever since he deemed himself brave enough to ask Ruby to be his date. Not that anyone would know the two of them were on a date, but they would know and that was all that mattered. And he misses Ruby. Ever since their meeting with Cuchillos and then his dad coming back into the picture, the past couple of days have been rough. They barely get a chance to even see each other, much less be alone. Ruby isolates himself more as he tries to deal with the resurgence of his PTSD due to Cuchillos threatening them, and Cesar’s finding himself consumed with his brother and his father and their never ending drama. And then there’s the fact that they have to find a presumed dead gang banger for a gang heiress with a knife fetish. To say they’ve been stressed lately would be an understatement. 

But still. He misses Ruby. Ruby has always been the one person who just made it so much easier for him to breathe; he couldn't always solve all of his problems or fix what’s wrong, but just having him _there_ always made him feel better. It’s easy for him to be alone even when he’s surrounded by people, but having Ruby around gave him so much more than just company; Ruby gave him courage, and hope, and peace. It was amazing that one person could do so much for him without even trying. 

Tonight is going to be their night. They’re finally going to get time just for the two of them, finally going to get to actually be together and only think about each other -- no Cuchillos, no Lil Ricky, no Ray. Just them. 

19th Street shows up which, call him an asshole, ends up being a blessing in disguise because it takes Oscar away from him long enough to sneak away and meet up with Ruby, who’s waiting for him by the swings like they agreed on. When Cesar sees him, his heart beats harder, faster, and he feels so giddy and excited, like he’s seeing him for the very first time. “Hi,” he says when he walks up to him, already smiling wider than he can help.

Ruby grins back immediately, “Hi,” leaps off of the swing to walk up to Cesar. “You look nice.”

Cesar blushes despite himself. “You do too.” They walk together, not holding hands like he’d like but close enough for their arms to brush every so often and it makes electricity crackle throughout Cesar’s body. “Want me to win you a teddy bear?” he asks, only half joking. 

Ruby chuckles. “Are you implying that _you’re_ the top in this relationship?” he asks. “Because according to the other night…”

“Shut up!” Cesar’s face is even redder now and Ruby laughs even more. “I was _trying_ to be nice but fuck you!”

“C’mon, I’m just teasing,” Ruby nudges Cesar’s hip with his, their arms pressing together for a moment and god, what Cesar wouldn’t give to just hold his hand. He wishes he could just say “to hell with it” and take Ruby’s hand in his, to intertwine their fingers and hold and be held and not care what anyone has to think about it. But it’s not that easy. It’s never going to be that easy for two brown boys in love in Freeridge. 

“Come to think of it, I _do_ want you to win me a teddy bear,” Ruby tells him. “The biggest bear ever.”

Cesar smirks, throws his arm around Ruby’s shoulders because that’s the closest he can get to safely holding him and says, “Bigger than you. Which honestly won’t be _that_ hard, _papito_.”

“Fuck off!” Ruby takes his arm and throws it off of him, but his face is red and his voice cracks when Cesar calls him ‘ _papito_ ’ and now it’s Cesar who’s laughing too hard to breathe.

“God, you’re so cute,” he says fondly, his voice soft and reserved only for him. Ruby smiles shyly at him and it makes Cesar’s heart race. 

He ends up winning a small bear for Ruby, something inconspicuous that he can carry around without anyone saying anything to him. They spend the night playing games, drinking themselves into a comfortable buzz, and dodging familiar faces like Oscar, Monse, Jasmine, and Officer Hammel. It brings them back to their first days together; sneaking around and the thrill of getting caught buzzing right beneath their skin. For those few hours they spend together, it’s easy for them to pretend they’re just like any other two kids in love. Cesar eyes the Ferris wheel longingly when they start on their second lap, already having walked around the whole thing once. “I almost wish I could get you up there,” he tells Ruby.

Ruby chuckles, still clutching the bear Cesar won for him tight in his arms. “Jamal would probably start reciting all of the Ferris wheel related death facts he knows if he was here right now.” He glances around, there’s only minutes left before the whole thing ends and it’s already started to clear out. Then he turns to Cesar and softly says, “Maybe we can?”

Cesar exhales a breathy laugh, nervous, and says, “Are you drunk?” he asks.

Ruby shrugs. “Maybe a little,” he says with a laugh. “C’mon, no one’s here. I’m pretty sure Spooky left an hour ago and I don't think anyone who knows us is here anymore.” He nods his head towards the Ferris wheel and asks, “You wanna?”

Glancing from the Ferris wheel to Ruby, Cesar shifts his weight from foot to foot and for once, he doesn’t overthink it. Says, “What the hell?” and the semi-stoned ride operator doesn’t even give them a second glance when they use the last of their tickets to get on the ride together. Cesar holds his breath until the man grumbles, “Last call,” and shuts the door to their seat, starting the ride. As they rise to the top, he lets himself breathe. 

They’re the only two on the Ferris wheel right now. Slowly, they make their way up and though this Ferris wheel isn’t as big as some of the other ones that they’ve seen or been on, it’s big enough that once they reach the top, everything below them looks so, so small. The lights below them, bright and flashing, illuminate everything and Cesar wishes he was a better artist because this is the kind of image he wants to live on forever. It’s beautiful, in a way that words can’t describe; it isn’t even a once in a lifetime moment they’re experiencing -- there will be other Ferris wheels on other nights but tonight, he and Ruby are on top of the world and nothing can touch them. It’s beautiful. 

“Scared?” Cesar asks him, wrapping an arm around Ruby’s shoulders and pulling him in close. They’re so high up that no one can tell what they’re doing, not that there’s anyone left to look at them anyway. It’s almost eleven, almost closing time.

Ruby scoffs, “No,” but he cuddles up to Cesar and rests his head on his chest all the same. Cesar watches Ruby, his eyes wide with wonder as he takes in their view. When he finally looks back at him, Cesar can’t even be embarrassed that he’s been caught blatantly staring at him. “What?” he asks.

Cesar shrugs. “I love you,” is all he says. Because that’s all there is to say; it’s always going to be as simple and as complicated as that. 

A smile stretches across Ruby’s face and he leans in to close the gap between them, pressing his lips to Cesar’s in a kiss that lasts until they start their sloth-like descent back down towards the ground. “I love you too,” Ruby whispers to him before they get off. Even after his feet touch the ground, Cesar still feels like he’s on top of the world.

* * *

It’s late when Ruby calls him, the glow of his phone so bright on his face that it wakes him and he groans, “Hello?” into the phone, his voice hoarse. Ruby’s dry heaves and sobs wake him immediately, the brokenness in his voice sending shivers throughout his body and jolt him out of bed like a bucket of ice water being thrown on him.”Ruby? Ruby, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“C-” Ruby chokes on his name, struggles for a moment before he can finally get himself to say. “She - she _called_ me! She planted a fucking _burner phone_ in my house - _in my house_! She was in my _house_!”

“Breathe, _compa_ you have to breathe!” Cesar starts pacing, unsure if he’s going to run to Ruby or not. He wouldn’t even need to put on shoes, he could just go and make it there in record time. “It’s okay, it’s gonna be -”

“No, it’s not!” Ruby snaps and Cesar flinches at his tone, going stone still right away. “How can you say this is going to be okay?” Ruby continues and guilt coils in Cesar’s stomach. 

“I -” his throat is suddenly dry and he has no idea what to say anymore. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out because he is, because he knows Ruby’s right and that he can’t keep telling him that everything will be fine, that he’s going to take care of everything; and because he doesn’t know what else to say, because nothing else feels like enough. “I’m sorry.”

“No no, don’t be,” Ruby’s still struggling to catch his breath but he's speaking so fast that he’s almost incoherent. “She - Cesar, she’s going to kill my family. She took all the knives out of my house, she’s not just trying to make a point, C! She’s going to do something, and I can’t - I - I -”

Cesar shushes him. “You need to breathe, _compa_ ,” he says firmly. “Please, just stop talking for a moment and try to catch your breath. Remember that thing Jamal always says about candles and flowers? Do that for me, okay? Please?” He doesn’t relent until he hears Ruby slowly inhaling and exhaling between whimpers. “Listen, okay?” he says once Ruby’s tears begin to subside. “I know I can’t promise you that everything is going to be okay,” Cesar starts. “But I can promise you that she is never going to touch you or your family. I don’t care if I have to physically put myself in between you guys and her; I won’t let her or anyone hurt you ever again.”

Ruby sniffles and quietly says, “Okay,” and for once, Cesar doesn’t believe him.

* * *

They’re back at Jasmine’s the next day. Cesar watches Ruby carefully as the two of them explain the next steps in their investigation, but he’s only half listening. Ruby looks awful; it’s clear that he hasn’t slept, his clothes are a mess and the bags under his eyes are so dark and deep. He can’t stand seeing Ruby this way, knowing that there really isn’t anything he can do to help. 

“Uh, what notes?” Cesar finally speaks up when he tunes back into their conversation.

If looks could kill, Cesar would drop dead. “There’s no time not to be paying attention at all times!” he snaps and Cesar couldn’t feel guiltier for not taking this more seriously, especially with how stressed out Ruby is.  
He knows Cuchillos is not someone they should let down and be that as it may, he’s more concerned with letting Ruby down. 

Ruby sends him off with Monse to look into one of the leads, which Cesar is admittedly a little surprised about. _‘Any particular reason we couldn’t look for LR together?’_ he texts Ruby as he and Monse leave together. 

_‘Can’t afford to get distracted,’_ is all Ruby types back and Cesar’s heart sinks. He pockets his phone, resigning not to text Ruby unless he has to. But he can’t keep himself from thinking about Ruby. he keeps telling himself not to take Ruby’s words personally, that he’s just scared and he’s focused on the task at hand. But he can’t stop wondering if this is going to end up tearing them apart.

* * *

He and Monse call Ruby and Jasmine later in the day with bad news that only makes for a bad phone call. Part of Cesar has always been attracted to Ruby’s bossy personality but being yelled at by him is definitely shittier than watching him yell at someone. When they hang up, Cesar feels worse than he did this morning. He ends up breaking his vow and shoots Ruby a quick text -- _‘I really hate it when you’re mad at me’_ \-- then puts his phone on silent and shoves it into his pocket so he’s less tempted to stare at it until Ruby answers him. 

“What’s with you?” Monse asks abruptly, like they’re not in the midst of trying to find their way back home. 

“What do you mean?” Cesar asks in reply, cautiously, curiously.

“Nothing, just -” Monse pauses, hesitates, then blurts out, “The way you’re tiptoeing around Ruby today.” Cesar nearly chokes on his own breath, his heart all but stopping in his chest then racing so fast that it hurts. “Are you guys, you know, okay?”

“Why - why wouldn’t we be?” Cesar asks quickly, a little too quickly. He can feel sweat on the back of his neck, his pulse still rising. “You and Ruby are okay, Jamal and Ruby are okay, Jasmine and Ruby are okay. So Ruby and I are okay because what would be the difference because us and you guys?”

Monse bites her lip and for a brief second, Cesar wonders if she’s going to call him on his bluff. Maybe he and Ruby haven’t been as subtle as they’ve thought. Maybe Monse has been able to see right through them this whole time. Maybe -- “You tell me,” Monse’s voice cuts into his thoughts.

He realizes that in this moment, he can do what he’s wanted to do for weeks; he can tell someone the truth. He can tell Monse about him and Ruby, he can get the weight off of his chest and just blurt it out, rip the bandaid off. He _could_ do it.

But instead, Cesar does what he does best. He lies. “There’s nothing to tell.”

* * *

The next few days are a whirlwind of chaos, starting with Jasmine and Ruby’s lead being a bust and ending with Monse getting a phone call about her mom passing away. Cesar feels like he’s been moving on autopilot, his head in a fog and nothing makes sense, but he does whatever he can to keep himself grounded so he can be there for Monse, for Ruby. 

He hasn’t heard from Ruby at all; he’s tried calling and texting, even went to his house a few times only to turn around when he loses his nerve to go up to the front door. Because even if he did go inside, he wouldn’t even know what to say. According to Jasmine, who has no shame in admitting she spies on all four of them, Ruby’s been in a depressive episode for days; won’t get changed, won’t get out of bed. Cesar’s worried but he’s even more worried about making it worse -- which is all he seems to be doing lately. 

As much as he wants to help Ruby, he just doesn’t know how to. He doesn’t know what to say or what not to say, he’s always tripping over his words and sending Ruby too many texts, one after another, of pure nonsense as he tries to convey that he’s here for him. He’s been getting nothing in reply and he isn’t sure if that’s worse than blatantly being told to fuck off. As much as that would hurt, it would be harder for him to misinterpret.

He spends the wake by Monse’s side, making sure she eats as a promise to her dad. He’s in the midst of listing all of the random dessert foods he’s put on his plate for her to eat when Ruby finally shows up with some cynical comment about death. “Ruby, come on, man,” he says, a warning edge in his tone. Ruby’s always been good at picking up on reading between the lines.

“Come on what?” he retorts, and that’s all it takes for him to spill over, for everything that he’s apparently been holding in to release like a shaken up soda bottle. Cesar has heard him angry before but not like this; not so hopeless, so bitter, so _sure_. He really does mean what he’s saying. As his voice rises and he finalizes everything with an ill-fitting comment about all of them killing themselves like Monse’s mom, Cesar can’t take it anymore. He’s up off of the couch and grabbing Ruby’s wrist before he can finish his last statement. 

“What the fuck was that?” he demands once they’re outside. 

“What the fuck was what?” Ruby snaps back.

Cesar sighs, running his hands over his face and takes a breath to calm himself down before saying, “Okay, in case you forgot, this is a _funeral_. Everyone in there lost someone they cared about, namely your best friend. Do you really think that was appropriate?”

“So what if it wasn’t?” Ruby counters and for the first time in years, Cesar doesn’t recognize the person standing in front of him. “This is how I feel and maybe…” Ruby trails off, sighs heavily, then says in the nastiest voice Cesar’s ever heard. “Maybe we’re all better off dead.”

“Enough!” Cesar snaps. He can see Ruby’s eyes widening the faintest bit. _Good,_ he thinks. “Are you out of your goddamn mind?” he continues, not caring if he’s become a hypocrite by being the one yelling at a funeral. “Ruby, I know this is hitting you harder than all of us, but that doesn’t give you a hall pass on treating the rest of us like trash!” 

“What do you expect me to do?” Ruby asks. His eyes are wet and shiny now. “Act like everything’s fine? Like Cuchillos isn’t after us? Like there actually is hope for us to find this guy, who is fucking impossible to find might I add, and that everything is going to be okay? Because I don’t believe it! I don’t believe that everything is going to be okay and I don’t believe we’re just going to live happily ever after.”

That last comment stings. Cesar actually flinches as if Ruby’s hit him. It feels like he did. Gritting his teeth, he says, “If that’s how you feel, then fine.” He forces the words out, his jaw trembling as he struggles to maintain his composure. “But that doesn’t mean you can be an asshole to the rest of us. Especially when all we’ve been trying to do is help you.” Now Ruby’s the one who recoils. They’ve never had a fight like this before, never been so determined to hurt each other this way. “And if you can’t figure out how to get your shit together, then just go home,” he adds. “But this,” he motions to Ruby and says, “Isn’t you.”

Cesar turns to leave, not wanting to see Ruby for another second longer. He’s barely back inside the house for a second, standing in the foyer and glancing around to see if his friends are still in the living room, before he hears the door slam shut behind him and a hand takes him by the waist. He’s being turned around and a pair of lips are crashing into his.

Ruby kisses him hard and rough, unlike any of the other times they’ve kissed before. Cesar can’t even allow himself to relax like he normally does because everything in him is screaming that this isn’t Ruby that’s kissing him. Not really. He shoves him away, “What the hell are you doing?” he demands, his voice shaking. Don’t cry, don’t cry, he tells himself.

“I-”

“Just shut up!” Cesar cuts him off and any semblance of a smirk that was on Ruby’s face fades away. “You are being so fucking selfish!” he snaps at Ruby. “Anyone could’ve seen us! Did you forget who dropped Jamal off? What if Oscar was pulling up as you did that? What if Monse, or Jasmine, or Jamal saw us? That’s not how I wanted people to find out, Ruby! I- “ his voice catches for a moment and he chokes out, “I’m not _ready_ ,” in a warbly voice. He furiously blinks back tears. “I thought you cared about me, Ruby,” he says in a quiet voice.

“I do!” Ruby says immediately. 

“Then why would you do that?” Cesar asks again. He’s angry and hurt and scared. He knows anyone could hear them, anyone could walk in and see them right now. Anyone could’ve already seen them. And that means they could tell someone else and it’ll be spreading like wildfire. All before Cesar or Ruby have gotten the chance to say the words themselves. 

“I…” Ruby’s voice falters. He doesn’t say anything and Cesar scoffs. He shakes his head, stopping himself from saying anything more because everything else he wants to say is horrible and he isn’t quite sure if he means it or not. He storms off, putting as much space as he can between him and Ruby and for once, he hopes Ruby doesn’t try to talk to him.

* * *

Ruby texts him to come over later that night and even though he still isn’t sure if he wants to see him yet, after his fight with Oscar, he needs to get out of the house. Truthfully he’s just been walking around aimlessly but he doesn’t even want to go home until he’s sure Oscar’s retired to his room for the night. It’s the lesser of two evils and Cesar picks Ruby.

He takes the long way to Ruby’s house, deciding to punish him a little by making him wait for him, and when he finally makes it there, he taps on Ruby’s bedroom window. Just like old times. 

Ruby wastes no time opening his window. He leans against it, offering a small smile. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Usually by now, Cesar would be climbing into Ruby’s bedroom but this time, he holds back.

“Come in, please?” Ruby asks and only then does Cesar let himself inside. “I’m sorry,” Ruby tells him as soon as Cesar’s feet hit the floor. He barely has a chance to regain his balance before the words start tumbling out of Ruby’s mouth. “I was a major dick earlier, okay? I know that -- I knew it at the time but I just couldn’t stop being such a dick. And what I did was totally out of line, I - I never should’ve done that or put you in that situation.”

Cesar nods, letting Ruby’s words sink in and he softly says, “Thank you for apologizing. And I’m sorry too, I -”

“No,” Ruby interrupts him, his voice firm. He reaches for Cesar’s hands and says, “You have nothing to apologize for, _mi vida_. Nothing at all. All you did was try to help me over and over again, I just kept pushing you away.” He sighs. “I just hope you don’t hate me now.”

“I could never hate you, Ruby,” Cesar tells him right away. “ _Never_.”

A small, sad smile tugs at Ruby’s lips. “I hate me,” he whispers. 

Cesar cups Ruby’s cheek in his hand, gently rubs his thumb over his soft skin and he whispers, “I love you,” with all the sincerity he can muster up. “Being mad at you won’t change that. I’ll never stop loving you, _amor_.” Ruby’s eyes are wet but the tears don’t fall. For a second, Cesar wonders if this is like their conversation from a few days ago; he wonders if Ruby believes him. 

God, he hopes so.

* * *

They end up on another wild goose chase that leads them nowhere and lands them in a music video -- unless their parts get cut. One thing leads to another and they’re confronting Rosé, again, which ends up with her confirming what they’ve all been terrified of all along: Cuchillos is going to kill them. “Unless,” Cesar hears himself speaking up. He says something he never anticipated he would ever say. “We kill her first.”

He never wanted to be this, to be that kind of Santo. Regardless of his bloodline he always vowed to be more than that, not to be the kind of guy who ends up with a teardrop. But they have to do something -- he has to do something. _He_ does. Jamal, Monse, Ruby -- they’ve all still got enough of their innocence left that they should be able to live their lives without this hanging over them. And he always figured that he would be the one with blood on his hands. This really is just a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way. 

Oscar steps in, the way he always does when shit goes south. Offers to take over, says he’ll handle Cuchillos. Cesar’s gut told him not to let Oscar take control but he hasn't been listening to his gut much these days; it hasn’t been doing him any good. 

So Oscar gets involved and he worries himself sick when he doesn’t hear from him at all immediately after he says he’s going to handle things. The three days of radio silence practically kill Cesar. He can feel himself hardening, becoming someone he’s not. Or maybe he’s becoming what he’s always meant to be. 

But he steps up, he takes control. He seeks out the Santos to search for Oscar, takes charge of the fam and tells them what to do to keep themselves safe. He decides to kill Cuchillos by himself. Sad Eyes gives him a gun and for once, it doesn’t feel heavy in his hands. For once, he isn’t afraid to use it. 

Telling his friends he was staying at the Sunshine Motel was probably a dumb idea on his part because they come to him -- of course they do -- and they have a plan -- of course they do. Jamal all but hyperventilates when Ruby tells him that they’ve come up with a plan for the four of them to take her out; Monse goes after him when he leaves the room to make sure he’s okay. 

Being alone with Ruby feels strange. The past few weeks have been hard on the both of them and harder on their relationship. There have been times when Cesar has wondered if they even _have_ a relationship anymore but he’s been too afraid to ask Ruby about it. Too afraid of what the answer might be. 

“It’s a good plan,” he tells Ruby when he finishes explaining everything.

“It’s the only plan,” Ruby replies and Cesar knows he’s right. His own plan was half-assed at best and more emotional than anything. This plan definitely has less flaws. It could work. 

Cesar eyes him carefully. “You sure about this, _compa_?” he asks him.

Ruby nods his head. “Ride or die,” he tells him and Cesar gets up to his feet, takes a step to close the gap between the two of them and wraps his arms around Ruby. He holds him tight and close and Ruby squeezes him back, clinging to him so tight that Cesar can barely pull away so he can cup Ruby’s cheeks in his hands and kiss him. He kisses him long and hard, like it’s their first kiss and their last kiss; like he’s trying to savor it in every way that he can.

When he pulls away, he presses his forehead to Ruby’s and he whispers, “I love you so fucking much, Ruby. _So_ fucking much. You are my whole heart.”

“Fuck, C,” Ruby whispers. He reaches up to hold Cesar’s face and he whispers, “I love you too. I love you _so_ much, _mi corazón_ _Mi alma_.” Cesar closes his eyes, letting Ruby’s words play on repeat in his mind like his favorite song stuck in his head.

* * *

Cesar shuts down. He has to or he’ll break and he can’t afford to right now. There’s too much at stake and he has to keep it together. 

He tries to remind himself of Ruby saying that he loves him as much as he can because it’s starting to feel less and less like the truth. Especially after everything they say to each other in the woods. Ruby’s words, Jamal’s too, hit too close to home and he can’t even be hurt by them because they’re true. It’s everything he’s already told himself over and over again. But hearing it come from his best friends, from the person who he’s head over heels in love with. It’s hard. 

The hours they spend in the woods are a blur and Cesar already wants to forget them. Even after they don’t find Oscar’s body, but Cuchillos’ instead, he just wants to put all of this behind him. To pretend it didn’t happen, that it wasn’t as bad as it was. He wants to forget.

But he can’t. And he especially can’t forget Ruby telling him that he’s selfish, that he’s his collateral damage. All he’s ever wanted was to be good for Ruby but maybe after all this time, he still isn’t. He still can’t be. 

They try to destress at Monse’s house but it’s useless; Jamal and Ruby end up leaving and Cesar, though he’d rather stay at Monse’s house, leaves as well. Not to go home. “Ruby!” he calls after him when he sees him outside. He’s thankful that he and Jamal went their separate ways and he brings his pace up to a jog to catch up to him. Ruby slows down to a stop but doesn’t turn around and Cesar has to step in front of him. Ruby still doesn’t look at him. “Can we talk?” he asks but Ruby doesn’t say anything. Cesar starts to shake, anxiety filling his body and rushing through him like blood. “Ruby?” He swallows thickly then asks softly, “Did you mean it?”

Ruby winces. He still hasn’t looked at Cesar. “I don’t know,” he finally whispers. 

Cesar feels like he could throw up. “You don’t know,” he repeats, numbly.

“Cesar, I’m sorry,” Ruby says and Cesar isn’t sure what he's apologizing for, but he knows he doesn't want to hear it. He turns away from him without saying another word and starts to walk away. “Cesar?” Ruby calls after him, his voice breaking. It brings tears to Cesar’s eyes. He still doesn’t turn around. “Cesar, please!” Ruby pleads but Cesar doesn’t stop until Ruby yells after him, “I love you!” and his words are like a dog’s leash being pulled. Cesar nearly falls to the ground, all but trips over his own two feet as he stops. He stands there, frozen, for a moment, his own heavy breathing and Ruby’s harsh sobs sounding louder than everything else around them. 

Cesar doesn’t say it back. For the first time, he can’t get the words out. Instead, he just walks away.

* * *

He wanders around aimlessly, not ready to go home to an empty house. He hasn’t had to go home to a house without Oscar since he was ten. Even that feels like decades ago. 

Finally, when his legs ache from his endless trek, he makes for home, trying to prepare himself for the silence to follow when he opens the door. He tells himself that there won’t be Oscar there to yell at him for being late, for missing curfew without having the _sesos_ to even call. He tries to drill it into his head, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less when the front door unlocking damn near echoes.

He turns the light on then flinches when he sees Oscar sitting on the couch. He looks like he’s been chewed up and spit out. He stubs out his cigarette when he notices Cesar staring at him. 

Cesar is breathless the moment he sees Oscar and realizes that he isn’t hallucinating; it isn’t until his chest starts to ache that he realizes that he isn’t breathing and he gasps a little, chokes out, “ _Papi_ ,” in a voice that sounds so small and broken. He hasn’t called Oscar _papi_ or dad in years, didn’t even call him that when he saw him for the first time since he got locked up. But the word comes out with such ease, much easier than when he called Ray dad; it feels natural. Right.

Oscar barely raises his head to look up at him before Cesar’s all but running at him, launching himself into his brother’s arms and the moment Oscar, despite all of the pain he must be in, wraps him up in a tight embrace, Cesar sobs. 

“Shh, s’alright, _mijo_ ,” Oscar whispers to him, kissing the top of his head. Cesar clings to him even tighter in case he’s wrong, in case everything isn’t alright. It sure as fuck doesn’t feel alright. “Told you I was gonna handle things,” Oscar says. 

“You -” Cesar sobs. “I thought -- fuck, Oscar.” He can’t choke out a coherent sentence for the life of him, all of his words as jumbled up as his thoughts, tangled up in harsh sobs. He hasn’t cried this whole time. Not when his dad left him again. Not when he thought Oscar was dead. Not when he thought he was going to have to kill someone. Not when his friends told him what they really think of him. Not when he thought he was about to find his brother’s dead body. Not after talking to Ruby. But now that he’s started, the tears just won’t stop.

He’s still angry, so fucking angry. Angry at Ray, angry at Oscar, angry at Ruby. Angry at himself. Angry at the Santos, at Freeridge, at the whole damned world. But he’s also hurt. There’s an ache in his chest, in his heart, that he isn’t sure is going to heal, not this time. Everything just fucking hurts and he can’t stop crying. 

“C, you gotta calm down, _mano_ ,” Oscar tells him when his sobs don’t subside. He sounds worried; Cesar’s worried too. He doesn’t think he can stop crying. “I’m here, I’m right here.” It should bring him comfort, but it doesn't, not really. Because what’s stopping Oscar from leaving him just like everyone else has? Just like Ruby has?

Cesar sniffs, pulling back to wipe all of the snot and tears off of his face. His hands won’t stop shaking. “Oscar. Oscar, I thought -”

“I know,” Oscar tells him, softly, gently. He thumbs away some stray tears on Cesar’s face. 

He sniffles again, leans forward to rest his forehead against Oscar’s shoulder. His skin is hot and flushed and Oscar just holds him for a moment, silence filling the room. Cesar finally breaks it. “There’s something I want to tell you.” He feels numb all over. He isn’t even sure if he’s speaking; he feels his jaw moving, hears words coming out but he feels so disconnected from his body. Almost mechanically, he says, “There’s someone. A guy.” He feels Oscar inhale as he blurts out, “I love him. I’m in love with him. I’m in love with a boy.” It feels… he doesn’t feel anything as he says it. Not relief, not anxiety. Nothing at all. “I thought you died and I didn’t want you to die without knowing the truth about me,” he continues. His throat hurts. He’s talking too much but he can’t shut himself up. “I still like girls. But not right now,” he tells his brother. “I like boys. A boy. One boy. The boy I’m in love with.” He lets out a bitter chuckle, shakes his head a little as a fresh wave of tears build up in his eyes and roll down his cheeks. “But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t fucking matter. Because I don’t think he’s in love with me anymore.” Cesar doesn’t give Oscar a chance to respond. He just gets up and leaves his brother alone in his stunned silence. The conversation is over before it even started. Cesar never thought he’d come out this way, but honestly? Who the fuck cares anymore. Ruby’s gone. He just knows it.

* * *

Monse sends a text to the group. Cesar doesn’t reply, he knows he should but he can’t think of what to say. He hopes Jamal or Ruby text back so he can follow their lead but neither of them reply either. It’s heartbreaking. Even more so that he was expecting this, sort of. 

He texts Ruby instead. He isn’t expecting a reply, he’d be more surprised if he did get one. But he sends it anyway because he needs to say it.

_‘I still love you.’_

* * *

They find each other two years later. Cesar with his head freshly shaved and a cross tattoo in the middle of his back. Ruby with his hair grown out and slightly unkempt, a more pseudo punk slash skater aesthetic going on. They run into each other at school, where Cesar hasn’t been in weeks; he shows up at the start of senior year to get some paperwork to finalize him dropping out when he sees Ruby. And even though it’s been months since they’ve spoke and even longer since seen each other, his heart stops dead in his chest. Just like it used to. 

Ruby doesn’t notice him at first but when he does, he stops dead in his tracks, unabashedly staring at Cesar with his mouth slightly agape and his eyes wide. Cesar wonders if he’s feeling the same way as he is -- terrified, confused, a thick feeling of want and desire coating his entire body like honey. Part of him wants to run into Ruby’s arms, audience be damned, and just kiss him like he hasn’t in so long. Part of him just wants to run. 

The longer they stare at each other, unspeaking, unmoving, the more Cesar is unsure if Ruby even wants to see him; if he’s going to continue walking like this never happened, or if he’s going to approach him. And even if he does approach him, what would he do? What would he say? Would he slap him, call him a useless gangbanger, tell him that he’s wasted his potential and his talent, that he threw everything away for a group of guys who never cared about him the way his friends -- his _real_ \-- friends did, that --

All of the thoughts racing in his mind go radio silent when Ruby takes those tentative first steps towards him. Cesar forces himself to remain still, to plant roots in the spot where he’s standing despite everything in him telling him to fucking bolt. When Ruby’s close enough, he can smell his body spray, the same scent he’s always worn and it makes Cesar’s chest hurt; some things truly have not changed.

But he’s not foolish enough to know that everything, _everything_ , has changed. 

“Hi,” Ruby whispers, voice hoarse. He licks his lips and Cesar can just barely make out faint tremors working their way through his body. It’s reassuring to know that Ruby’s just as nervous as he is.

“Hi,” Cesar whispers in reply. For a moment neither of them say anything; they stand together like this until the school bell rings and the halls clear. Cesar wants to say something -- tell Ruby he’s going to be late for class, tell Ruby he has to go. But when he opens his mouth, everything he thought of saying is swallowed by Ruby’s lips crashing into his in a desperate kiss. There’s a millisecond of hesitation on his part before he’s kissing back, just as desperate. Some things really haven’t changed.

* * *

They’ve hardly said a word to each other before Cesar is taking Ruby’s hand and pulling him off of school property like the bad influence he is. Ruby doesn’t protest though, doesn’t even hesitate when Cesar takes him to Oscar’s old Impala and drives off before he can even put on his seatbelt. They don’t make it far, maybe halfway to Cesar’s house before he’s pulling over in an abandoned store lot and killing the engine, closing the space between him and Ruby to kiss him once more. 

One thing leads to another and the pair find themselves in the backseat of the car. Everything is so frenzied, frantic, needy; they pull at each other’s clothes, kiss with more teeth than tongue, leave bite marks all over, not caring that they aren’t bothering to conceal them. They fold into one another, making it impossible to determine where one ends and the other begins. They tangled themselves into each other just like they did when they were younger, when they were kids; Ruby’s head is on his shoulder, so close that they’re all but fusing together. His mouth is on Cesar’s neck while Cesar’s blunt nails drag down Ruby’s beautifully smooth back, his tanned skin feeling like home beneath his hands. Ruby only freezes when he finally notices the tattoo on Cesar’s back; as soon as Cesar feels his fingers trace over the space, he knows what he’s found and an immediate, “I’m sorry,” spills from his lips.

“Goddamn it, Cesar,” is all Ruby whispers to him. His fingers curl into a fist and he pounds the space between Cesar’s shoulder blades, a little too hard, but Cesar accepts the pain. It’s what he deserves anyway. 

They pull apart briefly, finally looking at each other and Cesar can tell that Ruby is _really_ looking at him. Slowly, he brings his hand up to cup Cesar’s head in his hand, flinching when he realizes that there’s truly no hair there for him to caress. In a flash, Cesar imagines Ruby getting up and out of the car, slamming the door in his face and leaving him for a second time. But instead, Ruby just whispers to him, “ _Sigues siendo tan hermoso,_ ” and just like that, Cesar is fourteen years old again and so in love that it hurts.

* * *

“You’re so good, Cesar. So good,” Ruby pants in his ear while Cesar’s hands claw at his back, desperate to grab onto him but too wound up to be still long enough to grip Ruby’s shoulders. A full body shudder consumes him whenever Ruby calls him “good” but it makes his eyes burn all the same. He doesn’t know why it makes him so emotional but he buries his face in Ruby’s neck, gasping and panting against his sweaty skin, in case he does start crying; he doesn’t want Ruby to see him so pathetic - even though deep down he knows Ruby would never call him that, his pride keeps him hiding. But he whines, pitiful, and Ruby whispers “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” 

It’s awkward and neither of them really know what they’re doing, everything they’ve learned about sex coming from cheap porn and the internet. Being in the backseat of Oscar’s old car making it all the more awkward and cramped and sort of uncomfortable. But at the same time, it feels like they’ve done this before; like it’s not their first time. Cesar stopped believing in fate a long, long time ago, but even now, despite everything, he still believes in him and Ruby. 

Ruby’s name falls from his lips, mixed in with the occasional “fuckfuckfuck” so fast and breathy, Cesar feels lightheaded. He can’t catch his breath fast enough but every time he tries, Ruby does something to make him gasping all over again. 

“ _Hijo de puto_ ,” Ruby hisses and Cesar groans, deep and guttural, his eyes practically rolling back into his head. 

“Fuck me,” he wines, back arching. 

Ruby has the fucking gall to say “I already am,” like the cheeky little shit he is. If he wasn’t otherwise occupied, Cesar would smack him on his chest or upside his head. 

“You’re so -” he starts but his words dissolve into another moan so loud that Ruby has to kiss him to muffle the sounds. They’re pressed so tightly together, Cesar isn't sure if he’s feeling his heart racing or Ruby’s. 

It’s over maybe as soon as it starts but it feels like it goes on forever, even as Cesar’s biting Ruby’s shoulder as the other’s breathing gets faster and more shallow. He isn’t sure why but he’s desperate to see Ruby come apart first, and he gets his wish when the sound of Ruby moaning his name reverberates off of the inside of the Impala. He hardly has a chance to bask in the moment before his eyes are rolling back into his head and a rough shudder consumes him. He squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in Ruby’s shoulder, desperate moans filling the barely there silence that followed once Ruby stopped. He’s lightheaded and breathless and he clings to Ruby like he’s a lifeboat and he’s lost at sea. 

Then just like that, the two of them are collapsing against each other in a pile of sweaty limbs and heavy breathing. Ruby brings a hand up to card his fingers through Cesar’s hair - then remembers that there’s nothing left and he settles for rubbing his palm against his shaved head. “Fuck, Cesar,” he whispers to him and it takes everything in him to keep himself from crying. 

“I’m sorry,” Cesar whispers, his voice hoarse. 

Ruby sighs. “I know,” he says “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cesar replies immediately. If only that were enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i’m already planning on writing a fix it fic sequel because i Refuse to let my babies end up this way lmao anyway thank u for ur time and thank u for reading my literal word baby ilysm

**Author's Note:**

> i've been on ao3 for literal Years and i Just Now figured out how to insert those page breaks 🙃 no i don't deserve rights


End file.
